because i have let go (as much as i can) — i have not had a ttc related break down for a few months now…
Tag Archives: vent
one thing i don’t think fertile people realize, is all the “baby” stuff that we’ve considered over the years of ttc — i think it’s natural for any couple who is ttc to start “planning” for baby…. “when we’re pregnant we will need to….” “when baby comes we should….” etc. But, when you’ve been ttc for 2+ years… it’s a lot of time to plan.
now – imagine you have an idea of
- how you’re going to design the nursery
- boy and girl names for baby
- how you’re going to document baby’s life
- how you’d like maternity pics to be taken
- how you’d like newborn pics to be taken
- baby shower ideas maybe
- etc etc
yup – that’s right… my previous cycle is over – it ended with a BFN.
after getting a BFN on friday morning – i woke up on satureday morning and my temperature had dropped well below my coverline…. which meant impending af.
so – when she arrived very late that night – i was well prepared… (DH was not home all evening, he had a soccer game to go to)
after a day keeping busy with errands and holding back tears, by evening i had drunk most of a bottle wine to myself (and i do not drink often anymore… very very rarely in fact)… and spent the evening avoiding the obvious (did school work, played some kinect – dance central-, started reading a new book, did a page of my scrapbook), except for the moment where i mistakenly chose to reply to an old friend’s email – not only do i miss his friendship a great deal (because he lives across the ocean), but i decided to share a little bit of our struggle with him… after that much wine… not such a good idea. but – it let me face reality for a little bit…
i dont even know where to begin to explain or express how i feel about all of this…
- i realized sometime this weekend that we cannot just keep trying to get pregnant… because i have to student teach for 3 months next year, and there is a bit of a deadline – so i can’t have just given birth right before i’m supposed to start student teaching, and i can also not be 6-9 months pregnant when i start student teaching. not to mention that i can’t be pregnant right after student teaching – who is going to hire a new teacher who is “about to burst forth a baby”?
- so – i’ve figured that we only have 3 more cycles to go before we need to take a years break from TTC.
so there are a few reasons why this absolutely guts me —
- my mother (whom i haven’t seen in 3.5 years because she lives so far away) is planning on coming to visit next year… ideally to meet a new baby, but also just to visit – while she is financially able to. This will be, in all likelihood, the last time she’ll be able to come out… and the thought of her coming out, and us not having a baby for her to meet is so upsetting it breaks my heart a little more each time I think about it. (and yes, it hurts and makes me sad that she will be meeting a different grandchild when she visits my bro & SIL before coming here)
- a year off doesn’t sound so bad, and i’ve often thought about taking a break – because this is so emotionally draining… however, by the time we will start trying again, i will 26.5 years old and best case scenario… 27 when i have our first baby (yes – i know, that’s not old)… and although that does not really mean anything – it does mean that we have lost 5 years – when we could already have two children… i do not want to have children after i am 35 years old…and i want 3-4 children (with my family being so far away, and DH’s family being so bizarre – we want our immediate family to be big enough to support one another and get a good sense of what family means).
- maybe i am being too greedy – i should just worry about having one healthy baby, and not be so concerned with how many children i want by a certain age… but – when you start to realize that your dreams are in jeopardy of not coming true – that’s a difficult pill to swallow.
i am trying to let go…
i really am.
i want to be satisfied to wait and fully trust God to fulfill my dreams and the desires of my heart… but at the moment i can’t help but feel sad, jealous, angry, frustrated, alone, like i need to hold it together and pretend to be okay for everyone else.
i dont think that wanting a baby is a selfish thing to want… it’s not self-serving, it’s not greedy, it has nothing to do with pride… why is it then that i fear that this is something i need to let go of because God is trying to teach me an important lesson about trust? i do believe that His timing is perfect, and He knows more than i do about what is best for me… but, we are also called to ask for what we want… and to do so with the belief and understanding that it will be given..i think finding that balance is what is causing me so much conflict…
this cycle is the last clomid cylce i will be doing before going to an RE – but we wanted to wait until september before going to an RE, and I guess now we’ll just wait until next year… if we’re not PG before then.
my clomid dosage is doubling…which scares me, because i had so much cramping this past cycle – and knowing that the dose is double, leads me to believe it will be worse – along with the hot flashes, mood swings, fatigue, etc…
needless to say – i do not have much hope left…i’m hoping to be able to find it after posting this – there is a lot that i’m struggling with right now and i’m trying to not suffocate under it all…
i promise that i will move on soon… and find some things to be happy about and thankful for (i am thankful for a lot of things, and have been praying about them daily). i promise not to dwell on all the “what ifs” that i’ve mentioned in this post… i promise to deal with this, and find my footing again.
now – i am not a bad person (i do not believe so anyway), and i try not speak badly of others (slander, etc) but … for the purpose of my sanity (and to maybe give fertile people some insight into how those struggling feel, etc) i am going to share what that day was like for me…
i am not sure if i am the only one who does this – but, even though i knew it was going to be difficult for me – i constantly checked facebook to see updates of the birth of this baby…
i do not like to be upset by it all … i do not want to feel sorry for myself … then why do i do it? i had previously blocked updates from this couple, to spare the heartache… but then i was in a good place, and unblocked them…
perhaps, this curiosity stemmed from the need to know that everything went well (i was praying for her)…
whatever the reason – i was checking facebook…
however – i got a lot more than i bargained for… she updated during labor to share how dilated she was, and an image of the baby was posted on facebook for the world to see within minutes of her birth….
am i the only one who thinks this is INSANE? i’m not going to go into what i think exactly, because i really don’t like to “put people down” … but… really?
last night i checked facebook – to see a pic that ‘the dad’ put on facebook of the baby’s footprints… i realized that he has a daughter… and (for the second time that day actually) i felt the tears coming…
i left the room – to
“do some school work” have a good cry… (i didn’t want dh to see me) and remembered that i hadn’t done an opk yet…so i poas and went to my office to set up my laptop to do school work convince dh that i was just going to do some work… when he went to the bathroom…
when he came out, he had a grin on his face… i asked him if there was a smiley face… and he said yes- i didn’t believe him… but…..
yes!!! it was positive!!! I was BEYOND excited… (i got a little glimpse into what it might feel like to get a bfp preg. test)… i even took a photo… yes… of a positive ovulation test…. (please don’t judge me)…
so.. not only did i ovulate… but dh and i did a great job of sticking to the bd-schedule this week!!
even if we don’t get our bfp this cycle…
- af arrived on her own
- af arrived on CD28 – well, it was CD1 of course…but you know what i mean
- i ovulated!!!
next step – fertilization and implantation…. but – either way, i praise God for these small (actually kinda big) victories!!
and so…my two week wait begins!! (the first one where i am sure the opk was +, bec it was digital…so, i feel like it’s my first real 2ww!!)
p.s.: i have also been trying to put on weight… i am 5′ 4″ and weighed 110lbs…. slightly underweight… so i’ve been drinking a shake everyday to help me gain some weight, and i’ve been trying to eat more,etc… this is not the first time i’ve tried to put on weight, and i’ve never had any luck… but – i weighed myself this evening… 116lbs! woohoo!! 🙂 apparently – you need body fat to produce estrogen.. so it’s important to have a little body fat in order to conceive… so- i am very excited to have put on some weight!
>So, my older brother and his girlfriend (whom I refer to as my SIL) of 15+ years have been toying with the idea of having kids… and I’ve been urging them to get started already….just in case. I honestly hope and pray that they get pregnant right away without any trouble at all – because they are in their mid-thirties and I wouldn’t wish “this” on anyone!! I also feel that I will be ecstatic for them when they do fall pregnant, because it’s time for them to start a family and the longer they wait the more complicated things get.
Anyways, during the period of time where I was having major difficulties coping with thinking I’m pregnant, then I’m not, then a couple “close” to us falling pregnant so easily*… etc etc…. I was talking to my SIL a lot and sharing everything with her – I’m very open about it all with my family…not at all with DH family, but that’s another story.
Back to my point – she was always very quick to say that I should stop stressing about it…. because of course if we’re thinking about it all the time and therefore talking about it all the time, we’re stressing about it….
“yeah yeah – if we just stop thinking about it, it’ll happen”
Now that they’re trying (officially for 2 weeks when we spoke) – she can’t stop thinking about it… even though she doesn’t want to become all “OCD about it”… I had to laugh…
Really? Now that you’re TTC, you can’t control your thoughts and you’re thinking about it all the time….. try two years of TTC!!!
It amuses me that people think you can just stop thinking about – like it’s a switch we can turn off…. and why tell us that exactly? Do you think I want to always be thinking about it? Even when I’m not in the 2ww- over analyzing every hunger pang, urination, headache, weight gain, emotional reaction, heartburn….. – I’m still overly aware of how often we BD, what cycle day we BD on, how hot my showers are, how much caffeine I’m drinking, every pregnant person within a 5 mile radius of me at any given moment (this includes fictional characters on television shows)…..
If there is a magical switch I can turn off — please!! Let me know where it is!! Because I’d LOVE to be able to stop “stressing about it”.
If you are not TTC, infertile, or “infertile”…. then please do those of us who are a favor, and don’t assume that we are happy to obsess… don’t tell us to stop trying “because then it’ll happen”…. just offer a listening ear and some hopeful encouragement – like “good luck, you’re in my prayers” not “it’ll be your time soon”, or “when the time is right”…. blah blah blah…. you’ll either end up making us very angry, or for those of us with a shred of patience left….just miserable and possibly tearful.
This is in no way about my SIL, because I love her to bits and know that she doesn’t know any better… also – I’m still finding that aspect of TTC somewhat easy – to brush off the ignorant (and often insensitive) comments of family – because they mean well, so it doesn’t really bother me.
Hope the start of 2011 has been positive for all of you – if not…. next time AF arrives – have a Big Carl** “on me”.
Baby dust to all TTC.
*how dare they, right?
** Cougartown reference for those who are confused