because i have let go (as much as i can) — i have not had a ttc related break down for a few months now…
Tag Archives: melt-down
yup – that’s right… my previous cycle is over – it ended with a BFN.
after getting a BFN on friday morning – i woke up on satureday morning and my temperature had dropped well below my coverline…. which meant impending af.
so – when she arrived very late that night – i was well prepared… (DH was not home all evening, he had a soccer game to go to)
after a day keeping busy with errands and holding back tears, by evening i had drunk most of a bottle wine to myself (and i do not drink often anymore… very very rarely in fact)… and spent the evening avoiding the obvious (did school work, played some kinect – dance central-, started reading a new book, did a page of my scrapbook), except for the moment where i mistakenly chose to reply to an old friend’s email – not only do i miss his friendship a great deal (because he lives across the ocean), but i decided to share a little bit of our struggle with him… after that much wine… not such a good idea. but – it let me face reality for a little bit…
i dont even know where to begin to explain or express how i feel about all of this…
- i realized sometime this weekend that we cannot just keep trying to get pregnant… because i have to student teach for 3 months next year, and there is a bit of a deadline – so i can’t have just given birth right before i’m supposed to start student teaching, and i can also not be 6-9 months pregnant when i start student teaching. not to mention that i can’t be pregnant right after student teaching – who is going to hire a new teacher who is “about to burst forth a baby”?
- so – i’ve figured that we only have 3 more cycles to go before we need to take a years break from TTC.
so there are a few reasons why this absolutely guts me —
- my mother (whom i haven’t seen in 3.5 years because she lives so far away) is planning on coming to visit next year… ideally to meet a new baby, but also just to visit – while she is financially able to. This will be, in all likelihood, the last time she’ll be able to come out… and the thought of her coming out, and us not having a baby for her to meet is so upsetting it breaks my heart a little more each time I think about it. (and yes, it hurts and makes me sad that she will be meeting a different grandchild when she visits my bro & SIL before coming here)
- a year off doesn’t sound so bad, and i’ve often thought about taking a break – because this is so emotionally draining… however, by the time we will start trying again, i will 26.5 years old and best case scenario… 27 when i have our first baby (yes – i know, that’s not old)… and although that does not really mean anything – it does mean that we have lost 5 years – when we could already have two children… i do not want to have children after i am 35 years old…and i want 3-4 children (with my family being so far away, and DH’s family being so bizarre – we want our immediate family to be big enough to support one another and get a good sense of what family means).
- maybe i am being too greedy – i should just worry about having one healthy baby, and not be so concerned with how many children i want by a certain age… but – when you start to realize that your dreams are in jeopardy of not coming true – that’s a difficult pill to swallow.
i am trying to let go…
i really am.
i want to be satisfied to wait and fully trust God to fulfill my dreams and the desires of my heart… but at the moment i can’t help but feel sad, jealous, angry, frustrated, alone, like i need to hold it together and pretend to be okay for everyone else.
i dont think that wanting a baby is a selfish thing to want… it’s not self-serving, it’s not greedy, it has nothing to do with pride… why is it then that i fear that this is something i need to let go of because God is trying to teach me an important lesson about trust? i do believe that His timing is perfect, and He knows more than i do about what is best for me… but, we are also called to ask for what we want… and to do so with the belief and understanding that it will be given..i think finding that balance is what is causing me so much conflict…
this cycle is the last clomid cylce i will be doing before going to an RE – but we wanted to wait until september before going to an RE, and I guess now we’ll just wait until next year… if we’re not PG before then.
my clomid dosage is doubling…which scares me, because i had so much cramping this past cycle – and knowing that the dose is double, leads me to believe it will be worse – along with the hot flashes, mood swings, fatigue, etc…
needless to say – i do not have much hope left…i’m hoping to be able to find it after posting this – there is a lot that i’m struggling with right now and i’m trying to not suffocate under it all…
i promise that i will move on soon… and find some things to be happy about and thankful for (i am thankful for a lot of things, and have been praying about them daily). i promise not to dwell on all the “what ifs” that i’ve mentioned in this post… i promise to deal with this, and find my footing again.
>So I have two “cycle tracker” apps on my phone… and one of them predicted AF to arrive on Monday…. so obviously when she didn’t… it was on my mind.
I didn’t feel any weird symptoms or start to “feel” pregnant..so of course – I thought that maybe this was it…
AF arrived last night. (Wednesday night)
Today I feel like I need to just give up. I can talk about my faith till I’m blue in the face – and I really do believe that God’s plan is better than mine…but to actually give up my dream of being a young mother…and start to consider the fact that I may actually never have kids…. it’s terrifying and heart breaking.
Part of me knows, that even if I stop “trying” …if I let go of this dream…it will always be on my mind…. how can it not be?? (Oh – and according to all the “experts” out there, that is when I will most likely fall pregnant right? When I stop trying…. so of course that will be on my mind too….– jerks!)
The thing is, I know that if I stop trying…. I am really giving in – because DH and I don’t BD (Baby Dance/ Bump Uglies/ Do The Deed) every other day…. so, if we don’t make it a priority to BD often – chances of us “accidentally” baby dancing at just the right time for conception, are slim to none. Therefore, I feel that if I give up…I really am giving up….
I’ve had this thought often – who TTC hasn’t? But, this time, it’s for real. I’m done…. I’m sick of fighting with DH when he’s just too tired to BD…I’m sick of feeling heart broken whenever AF arrives …I’m sick of the 2ww (2 week wait – bet ovulation and AF) and imagining all the what ifs…. I’m sick of watching what I eat and drink – just in case….I’m just sick of waiting…. I’m tired… I am only 24 (almost 25) years old… this is not something I should be spending my time worrying about….
So – I am going to truly try and stop trying. I want to focus on my relationship with DH (which has grown so much already in the past 2 years of TTC)…and maybe we’ll reignite that fire within us, which used to lead us to BD multiple times a day!! And then, who knows – maybe it will really happen when we’re not trying to try.
I want to spend more time doing the things that I love…it’s time for me to get my ass off the couch and start living life!!!! I’m sick to death of being miserable and longing for something that just doesn’t seem to be coming my way anytime soon.
The hardest part of all of this…
My family live far away – like oceans away (I don’t want to say exactly where, because I want this blog to remain anonymous)…. and I have not been back to see them in almost 5 years…. in the past two years, we’ve been holding out – expecting to have a bundle of joy to take home with us…. what’s the point of spending all that money for a trip, if we could have a baby to take over in a year? Because then we wouldn’t be able to take baby over for a while – because we’d need to save up again (it is a very expensive trip).
So…if I am truly “giving up”…then we need to start saving and go home for a visit…..
That would be the ultimate gesture to say –
“Hey- God, I really am leaving it all in your hands…I am fully releasing control of my life and my dreams, and trusting in your plan for my life”.
Boy, is that terrifying!!
I’m not sure how many people actually read this – I only know of one…but if there are any more of you out there – please check out my new friend Elphaba’s blog here. She is a great blogger and writer–very funny… despite the difficulty of her journey.
P.S: I hope to not go totally MIA through this…. hopefully I won’t…. but please forgive me if I do.
>I am having a bad day – I have the worst PMS… which of course means that AF is on her lovely way….
I have also started reading too many IF blogs… so many people move on to IUI or IVF after a short time of TTC…. we’ve been TTC for 2 years now and I don’t want to get tested…I don’t want a needle placed in me to inject dye into my lady parts…I know my DH doesn’t want to have to go and have “special alone time” with a cup in a doctors office….
Our God is the maker of heaven and earth – He performs miracles every day! I know that if there is something wrong…if it is His will that we get pregnant…. we will get pregnant! He can overcome any medical obstacle! None of those test results will change that! God can do anything!
I truly believe that…. but, sometimes I wonder if I’m just afraid… am I in denial?
More than anything I want a baby…I want to have lots of kids, and I want to start young… my mom was a young mom and I see the relationship she has with my older brothers… I want that!! It’s something special when you’re only 28-30 years older than your first born.
However, I also know that my plans and dreams and hopes mean nothing…. God’s will in my life is what matters. If it’s God’s will that I only have a baby when I’m 32 years old…then that’s what is important. (Gosh that is scary and painful to think about.)
It’s not easy to give up your life, your hopes, and dreams to surrender to God’s will in your life. But, I don’t think it’s meant to be easy.
I suppose the important thing to do, is to draw nearer to God and quietly wait to hear His will and direction for my life. If it’s His will that I go and get tested… and pursue other options…then so be it….If it’s His will that I trust in Him, and wait for His time…then so be it….
I pray that I can remain strong and constantly seek Him out and grow closer to Him, so I can live according to His will.
>Period cramps and symptoms are uncomfortable annoyances. But for those TTC, they are constant reminders of an empty womb.
This month had it’s ups and downs, as most months. It was the first month that we tried ovulation tests… (as I mentioned in my previous post). It was also the first month in a while that DH and I tried to up the baby dancing to every other day… which was supposed to make our chances of conceiving higher – along with the ovulation tests. But, it became a way for me to try and control an uncontrollable situation – the tiny thread of hope that I clung to with my life! Not good.
I lost it a few times… but, after ovulating late I was overcome with this sense of peace and acceptance. I’ve even been able to listen to songs that I usually avoid like the plague… one in particular that I have never been able to listen to without balling my eyes out – Matthew West’s ‘Safe and Sound’ you can hear it here. I have been so strong… and not by force or anything, just a calm sense of peace and acceptance. Even so, AF rears her ugly head and I want to curl up into a ball and just weep.
It’s such a cruel thing – AF brings with it emotions that we can’t always control, and when you’re TTC, these uncontrollable emotions do not help with the coping.
I have accepted that God’s timing is perfect, and one day I will look back at this time, with my baby in my arms (or toddler…bec it may take a while) and realize that my unanswered prayers were a gift and part of a bigger, better plan… (Garth Brook’s song helped me to truly understand that… you can hear it here).
However, I still feel sad and disappointed. Especially when I know that The Couple are moving along in their pregnancy and will, understandably, continue to share their excitement… and when I see our two years TTC anniversary coming up… and when I think back to last Christmas and how we said that we would have a baby to share this Christmas with…
Anyways… that’s what our month has been like… onto the next one I suppose!
I’m praying for that strength and peace to overcome me once again…