Tag Archives: hormones

and the final round goes to….

infertility?

CD29 / CD1 (we’ll see how the day ends)

when i wrote my last post – some stuff was happening, and because i didn’t want to jinx anything, i didn’t write/blog about it. i needn’t have worried.

so – on thursday (at 11DPO) my temperature dipped below my coverline (which was kinda high this month for some reason). for those of you who have no idea what that means … i will try to explain.

at the beginning of your cycle your body is producing estrogen, and this makes your bbt (basal body temperature – basically your body temperature at rest) lower at the beginning of your cycle.

once ovulation occurs, your body begins to produce progesterone, so your bbt will rise significantly the morning after ovulation occurs (your temperature has to stay high for three consecutive days to confirm ovulation and to make sure the temperature rise is because of the hormones and not because of environmental factors or illness etc).

once your temp has risen and stayed high, you can determine what your “coverline” temperature is – this is the temperature that divides your low temps and your high temps.

some people experience a temp dip below their coverline at implantation – around 10dpo. but then your temperature will rise again and stay above your coverline. right before af arrives, your temp will significantly drop (due to the lack of progesterone and the beginning of a new cycle and the production of estrogen again).

okay – for those of you who have stuck it out and now that the bbt lesson is over…

so, like i said, on thursday at 11dpo, my temperature dipped below the coverline, and because it was too early for af (cd26) i thought that maybe it was implantation, and cue obsession…

i had been 100% not obsessed this cycle (as i wrote in my previous post) and felt kinda neutral about this cycle – but once there was a possible implication of implantation, i began to obsess a little and was hopeful again…

then – the next morning (12dpo) my temperature was exactly the same. so – i consulted dr google – apparently two day implantation dips are more common than you’d think. so – i clung to that hope.

after the third morning of this same temperature – fertility friend (the website and app i use to chart my bbt) lowered my coverline. apparently the few higher temps i had before ovulation were random high temps and therefore my coverline had been predicted too high.

so – i kind of lost some hope – but hey – having no implantation dip was better than having af on her way…

lo and behold – this morning (CD29, 14DPO) my temperature dipped 0.9 degrees Fahrenheit; way below my coverline. which means that af will show up within the next 24 hours or so.

now i can no longer completely trust my bbt chart – although at the end of the day, the bbt chart is the most accurate record of what my body is doing – i cannot obsess over anything that it indicates… except that significant rise after ovulation, and the significant drop before af.

i am disappointed – especially since we really timed things well this month…

however, i don’t feel like i’m going to fall apart this time. i am really finding peace in my faith and letting go and letting God.i am okay with waiting… and it really is not the end of the world.

i have not been diagnosed with any fertility problems, neither has DH – so we have no reason to doubt. granted, we haven’t been tested for problems – but until we do – we really shouldn’t be stressed out or worried about whether or not it’s going to happen for us. we just need to continue timing things right and if we still have trouble after about a year of “good timing” – then we will go and get checked out and possibly try some fertility treatments. that is, unless i have issues ovulating again without the clomid, since this month was my last dose.

so – if you pray, please pray that my body cooperates and functions effectively without the medication- specifically i need to ovulate.

if you don’t pray – please just keep us in your thoughts and send some positive energy our way in a couple of weeks! 🙂

i’m so very excited for a wonderful woman of faith who recently got her BFP… please keep her in your thoughts/prayers also – just pray for a happy and healthy pregnancy that sticks! You can read her story here.

i am going to return to twitter for the day – then i am likely going to delete my twitter account… i’m using google+ now, under my real name – so if you’re on google+ and would like to connect on there – let me know and i’ll email you my real name. 🙂 i will still keep updated on everyone’s journeys via blogs.

Advertisements

>At the end of my rope…

>So I have two “cycle tracker” apps on my phone… and one of them predicted AF to arrive on Monday…. so obviously when she didn’t… it was on my mind.

I didn’t feel any weird symptoms or start to “feel” pregnant..so of course – I thought that maybe this was it

AF arrived last night. (Wednesday night)

Today I feel like I need to just give up. I can talk about my faith till I’m blue in the face – and I really do believe that God’s plan is better than mine…but to actually give up my dream of being a young mother…and start to consider the fact that I may actually never have kids…. it’s terrifying and heart breaking.

Part of me knows, that even if I stop “trying” …if I let go of this dream…it will always be on my mind…. how can it not be?? (Oh – and according to all the “experts” out there, that is when I will most likely fall pregnant right? When I stop trying…. so of course that will be on my mind too….– jerks!)

The thing is, I know that if I stop trying…. I am really giving in – because DH and I don’t BD (Baby Dance/ Bump Uglies/ Do The Deed) every other day…. so, if we don’t make it a priority to BD often – chances of us “accidentally” baby dancing at just the right time for conception, are slim to none. Therefore, I feel that if I give up…I really am giving up….

I’ve had this thought often – who TTC hasn’t? But, this time, it’s for real. I’m done…. I’m sick of fighting with DH when he’s just too tired to BD…I’m sick of feeling heart broken whenever AF arrives …I’m sick of the 2ww (2 week wait – bet ovulation and AF) and imagining all the what ifs…. I’m sick of watching what I eat and drink – just in case….I’m just sick of waiting…. I’m tired… I am only 24 (almost 25) years old… this is not something I should be spending my time worrying about….

So – I am going to truly try and stop trying. I want to focus on my relationship with DH (which has grown so much already in the past 2 years of TTC)…and maybe we’ll reignite that fire within us, which used to lead us to BD multiple times a day!! And then, who knows – maybe it will really happen when we’re not trying to try.
I want to spend more time doing the things that I love…it’s time for me to get my ass off the couch and start living life!!!! I’m sick to death of being miserable and longing for something that just doesn’t seem to be coming my way anytime soon.

The hardest part of all of this…

My family live far away – like oceans away (I don’t want to say exactly where, because I want this blog to remain anonymous)…. and I have not been back to see them in almost 5 years…. in the past two years, we’ve been holding out – expecting to have a bundle of joy to take home with us…. what’s the point of spending all that money for a trip, if we could have a baby to take over in a year? Because then we wouldn’t be able to take baby over for a while – because we’d need to save up again (it is a very expensive trip).

So…if I am truly “giving up”…then we need to start saving and go home for a visit…..
That would be the ultimate gesture to say –
“Hey- God, I really am leaving it all in your hands…I am fully releasing control of my life and my dreams, and trusting in your plan for my life”.

Boy, is that terrifying!!

I’m not sure how many people actually read this – I only know of one…but if there are any more of you out there – please check out my new friend Elphaba’s blog here. She is a great blogger and writer–very funny… despite the difficulty of her journey.

Take care

P.S: I hope to not go totally MIA through this…. hopefully I won’t…. but please forgive me if I do.

>It’s okay to falter…right?

>I am having a bad day – I have the worst PMS… which of course means that AF is on her lovely way….

I have also started reading too many IF blogs… so many people move on to IUI or IVF after a short time of TTC…. we’ve been TTC for 2 years now and I don’t want to get tested…I don’t want a needle placed in me to inject dye into my lady parts…I know my DH doesn’t want to have to go and have “special alone time” with a cup in a doctors office….

Our God is the maker of heaven and earth – He performs miracles every day! I know that if there is something wrong…if it is His will that we get pregnant…. we will get pregnant! He can overcome any medical obstacle! None of those test results will change that! God can do anything!

I truly believe that…. but, sometimes I wonder if I’m just afraid… am I in denial?
More than anything I want a baby…I want to have lots of kids, and I want to start young… my mom was a young mom and I see the relationship she has with my older brothers… I want that!! It’s something special when you’re only 28-30 years older than your first born.

However, I also know that my plans and dreams and hopes mean nothing…. God’s will in my life is what matters. If it’s God’s will that I only have a baby when I’m 32 years old…then that’s what is important. (Gosh that is scary and painful to think about.)

It’s not easy to give up your life, your hopes, and dreams to surrender to God’s will in your life. But, I don’t think it’s meant to be easy.

I suppose the important thing to do, is to draw nearer to God and quietly wait to hear His will and direction for my life. If it’s His will that I go and get tested… and pursue other options…then so be it….If it’s His will that I trust in Him, and wait for His time…then so be it….

I pray that I can remain strong and constantly seek Him out and grow closer to Him, so I can live according to His will.

>Did I ask for your advice, or even your opinion?

>So, my older brother and his girlfriend (whom I refer to as my SIL) of 15+ years have been toying with the idea of having kids… and I’ve been urging them to get started already….just in case. I honestly hope and pray that they get pregnant right away without any trouble at all – because they are in their mid-thirties and I wouldn’t wish “this” on anyone!! I also feel that I will be ecstatic for them when they do fall pregnant, because it’s time for them to start a family and the longer they wait the more complicated things get.

Anyways, during the period of time where I was having major difficulties coping with thinking I’m pregnant, then I’m not, then a couple “close” to us falling pregnant so easily*… etc etc…. I was talking to my SIL a lot and sharing everything with her – I’m very open about it all with my family…not at all with DH family, but that’s another story.
Back to my point – she was always very quick to say that I should stop stressing about it…. because of course if we’re thinking about it all the time and therefore talking about it all the time, we’re stressing about it….
“yeah yeah – if we just stop thinking about it, it’ll happen”

Now that they’re trying (officially for 2 weeks when we spoke) – she can’t stop thinking about it… even though she doesn’t want to become all “OCD about it”… I had to laugh…
Really? Now that you’re TTC, you can’t control your thoughts and you’re thinking about it all the time….. try two years of TTC!!!

It amuses me that people think you can just stop thinking about – like it’s a switch we can turn off…. and why tell us that exactly? Do you think I want to always be thinking about it? Even when I’m not in the 2ww- over analyzing every hunger pang, urination, headache, weight gain, emotional reaction, heartburn….. – I’m still overly aware of how often we BD, what cycle day we BD on, how hot my showers are, how much caffeine I’m drinking, every pregnant person within a 5 mile radius of me at any given moment (this includes fictional characters on television shows)…..
If there is a magical switch I can turn off — please!! Let me know where it is!! Because I’d LOVE to be able to stop “stressing about it”.

If you are not TTC, infertile, or “infertile”…. then please do those of us who are a favor, and don’t assume that we are happy to obsess… don’t tell us to stop trying “because then it’ll happen”…. just offer a listening ear and some hopeful encouragement – like “good luck, you’re in my prayers” not “it’ll be your time soon”, or “when the time is right”…. blah blah blah…. you’ll either end up making us very angry, or for those of us with a shred of patience left….just miserable and possibly tearful.

This is in no way about my SIL, because I love her to bits and know that she doesn’t know any better… also – I’m still finding that aspect of TTC somewhat easy – to brush off the ignorant (and often insensitive) comments of family – because they mean well, so it doesn’t really bother me.

So…rant over….
Hope the start of 2011 has been positive for all of you – if not…. next time AF arrives – have a Big Carl** “on me”.

Baby dust to all TTC.

*how dare they, right? 
** Cougartown reference for those who are confused

>Another disappointing month

>Period cramps and symptoms are uncomfortable annoyances. But for those TTC, they are constant reminders of an empty womb.

This month had it’s ups and downs, as most months. It was the first month that we tried ovulation tests… (as I mentioned in my previous post). It was also the first month in a while that DH and I tried to up the baby dancing to every other day… which was supposed to make our chances of conceiving higher – along with the ovulation tests. But, it became a way for me to try and control an uncontrollable situation – the tiny thread of hope that I clung to with my life! Not good.

I lost it a few times… but, after ovulating late I was overcome with this sense of peace and acceptance. I’ve even been able to listen to songs that I usually avoid like the plague… one in particular that I have never been able to listen to without balling my eyes out – Matthew West’s ‘Safe and Sound’ you can hear it here. I have been so strong… and not by force or anything, just a calm sense of peace and acceptance. Even so, AF rears her ugly head and I want to curl up into a ball and just weep.

It’s such a cruel thing – AF brings with it emotions that we can’t always control, and when you’re TTC, these uncontrollable emotions do not help with the coping.

I have accepted that God’s timing is perfect, and one day I will look back at this time, with my baby in my arms (or toddler…bec it may take a while) and realize that my unanswered prayers were a gift and part of a bigger, better plan… (Garth Brook’s song helped me to truly understand that… you can hear it here).

However, I still feel sad and disappointed. Especially when I know that The Couple are moving along in their pregnancy and will, understandably, continue to share their excitement… and when I see our two years TTC anniversary coming up… and when I think back to last Christmas and how we said that we would have a baby to share this Christmas with…

Anyways… that’s what our month has been like… onto the next one I suppose!
I’m praying for that strength and peace to overcome me once again…