Tag Archives: hope

quick update

CD9

okay – so AF arrived as expected…

and surprisingly – i did not even shed a tear… i came close at one point.. but really didn’t experience anytime of emotional breakdown. which, considering that cycle was the last clomid cycle, is surprising.

i do not know how to explain it – but, i am at peace. i even forgot to take my prenatal vitamin a few times, have had coffee without freaking myself out…i am just living…

i feel that i am slowly but surely letting go and releasing this to God.

i am a little nervous about this cycle, only because (Testing my patience/faith” href=”https://ttcinfaith.wordpress.com/2011/04/25/testing-my-patiencefaith/”>as you may remember) before my first cycle on clomid i had to go on provera in order to force AF to arrive – which was probably caused by a lack of ovulation…

at the moment, we’re just taking things slow and seeing what happens – with persistent prayers for a healthy natural cycle. DH mentioned the possibility of doing IUI sooner rather than later, in the hopes of becoming successfully PG in time for my mom to be able to meet a new grandbaby when she visits next year… but i’m not sure yet…

i am in such a good, positive place – the thought of all the monitoring and “hoo-ha” that comes with fertility treatments, i’m not sure i want to disrupt my current emotional happiness.

so – here we are…

i am not even using OPKs this month – we’re just going to try to stick to a good BD routine and monitor whether ovulation occures with my bbt chart. oh – and i’ll go for a massage every week until ovulation occurs i think. i went for one during the week of ovulation last cycle – and i think it helped keep me relaxed for my 2WW.

i’ll let you know how we do.

hope this finds each of you well and happy!!

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and the final round goes to….

infertility?

CD29 / CD1 (we’ll see how the day ends)

when i wrote my last post – some stuff was happening, and because i didn’t want to jinx anything, i didn’t write/blog about it. i needn’t have worried.

so – on thursday (at 11DPO) my temperature dipped below my coverline (which was kinda high this month for some reason). for those of you who have no idea what that means … i will try to explain.

at the beginning of your cycle your body is producing estrogen, and this makes your bbt (basal body temperature – basically your body temperature at rest) lower at the beginning of your cycle.

once ovulation occurs, your body begins to produce progesterone, so your bbt will rise significantly the morning after ovulation occurs (your temperature has to stay high for three consecutive days to confirm ovulation and to make sure the temperature rise is because of the hormones and not because of environmental factors or illness etc).

once your temp has risen and stayed high, you can determine what your “coverline” temperature is – this is the temperature that divides your low temps and your high temps.

some people experience a temp dip below their coverline at implantation – around 10dpo. but then your temperature will rise again and stay above your coverline. right before af arrives, your temp will significantly drop (due to the lack of progesterone and the beginning of a new cycle and the production of estrogen again).

okay – for those of you who have stuck it out and now that the bbt lesson is over…

so, like i said, on thursday at 11dpo, my temperature dipped below the coverline, and because it was too early for af (cd26) i thought that maybe it was implantation, and cue obsession…

i had been 100% not obsessed this cycle (as i wrote in my previous post) and felt kinda neutral about this cycle – but once there was a possible implication of implantation, i began to obsess a little and was hopeful again…

then – the next morning (12dpo) my temperature was exactly the same. so – i consulted dr google – apparently two day implantation dips are more common than you’d think. so – i clung to that hope.

after the third morning of this same temperature – fertility friend (the website and app i use to chart my bbt) lowered my coverline. apparently the few higher temps i had before ovulation were random high temps and therefore my coverline had been predicted too high.

so – i kind of lost some hope – but hey – having no implantation dip was better than having af on her way…

lo and behold – this morning (CD29, 14DPO) my temperature dipped 0.9 degrees Fahrenheit; way below my coverline. which means that af will show up within the next 24 hours or so.

now i can no longer completely trust my bbt chart – although at the end of the day, the bbt chart is the most accurate record of what my body is doing – i cannot obsess over anything that it indicates… except that significant rise after ovulation, and the significant drop before af.

i am disappointed – especially since we really timed things well this month…

however, i don’t feel like i’m going to fall apart this time. i am really finding peace in my faith and letting go and letting God.i am okay with waiting… and it really is not the end of the world.

i have not been diagnosed with any fertility problems, neither has DH – so we have no reason to doubt. granted, we haven’t been tested for problems – but until we do – we really shouldn’t be stressed out or worried about whether or not it’s going to happen for us. we just need to continue timing things right and if we still have trouble after about a year of “good timing” – then we will go and get checked out and possibly try some fertility treatments. that is, unless i have issues ovulating again without the clomid, since this month was my last dose.

so – if you pray, please pray that my body cooperates and functions effectively without the medication- specifically i need to ovulate.

if you don’t pray – please just keep us in your thoughts and send some positive energy our way in a couple of weeks! 🙂

i’m so very excited for a wonderful woman of faith who recently got her BFP… please keep her in your thoughts/prayers also – just pray for a happy and healthy pregnancy that sticks! You can read her story here.

i am going to return to twitter for the day – then i am likely going to delete my twitter account… i’m using google+ now, under my real name – so if you’re on google+ and would like to connect on there – let me know and i’ll email you my real name. 🙂 i will still keep updated on everyone’s journeys via blogs.

a glimpse into our reality

CD26

DPO11

one thing i don’t think fertile people realize, is all the “baby” stuff that we’ve considered over the years of ttc — i think it’s natural for any couple who is ttc to start “planning” for baby…. “when we’re pregnant we will need to….” “when baby comes we should….” etc. But, when you’ve been ttc for 2+ years… it’s a lot of time to plan.

now – imagine you have an idea of

  • how you’re going to design the nursery
  • boy and girl names for baby
  • how you’re going to document baby’s life
  • how you’d like maternity pics to be taken
  • how you’d like newborn pics to be taken
  • baby shower ideas maybe
  • etc etc
then… a dozen people get pregnant before you….
chances are – any number of the above mentioned items will be “taken”… the worst being baby names of course. i’ve always loved the name aidan – but, my exboyfriend named his son that – so now it is out of the question. for me – one of the worst things is the photograph ideas…
i love to take photos and have been trying to grow and improve. i’ve been paying close attention to newborn and maternity shoots for ages now – getting ideas, etc.
i have some pretty nifty equipment for taking pics at home and have been excited to get the opportunity to take some great pics myself… rather than hiring someone or going somewhere, etc…
then of course – the “mom” from “The Couple” did that with her newborn… she made headbands and took some “semi-professional” looking pictures.
i don’t care what people think – but there is nothing worse than having people think you’re “copying” something they did…when in fact…. you know that you’ve had it “in the works” for years!! eugh!
sorry if this seems petty… but not only is it frustrating, because now “it’s been done”…but it’s also frustrating and painful to watch someone getting to do something you’ve been SO excited to do for years!
*sigh
well – this is our reality… and I’m actually okay with it – you get used to it i guess, and it gets easier (especially when you avoid the people who are doing all the things you’re longing to do…)

trust issues

CD24

9DPO

so, i’m almost through with my 2WW… not feeling as crazy as i usually feel… have no symptoms, phantom or real. but i have had some mild cramping, so i am expecting AF to show her face – hopefully this time she will wait until AFTER the wedding i am attending this weekend (2 months ago she arrived during the reception of a friends wedding). that is – of course- if she has to arrive at all.

 

i feel pretty at peace about this cycle – but i have felt that way in the past, and then when AF arrives – it all goes to hell and i just fall apart as usual. but, i am hoping and praying that this time, the peace is for real and it lasts. i have nothing left to lose – and i’m at the point where all i can do is let go and trust God.

i got a hair cut this afternoon – quite a drastic change…but loving it. i feel like it’s lifted my spirits – like, shedding all my hair has been symbolic of me shedding all the pain and fear of the past year or so… and i am ready for whatever the future holds for us.

don’t get me wrong — i am still a bitter infertile… but i’m feeling a bit more like myself and i feel like i can take on whatever the future holds with a positive attitude.

i read this on someone’s blog or something a few weeks ago –

‘if we can trust God with eternity, then we can trust Him with our now’

i am trying to remember that everyday and learning to let go and trust…

Social Networking Hiatus

CD9

Okay – I feel so out of the loop…yet, free.

Hi – my name is Sherrie, and I am a recovering compulsive social-networking site checker.

On Thursday evening last week, I decided that I wanted to take a break from twitter and facebook – to be fully present in my own life and not be so caught up in what other people are doing or not doing, getting or not getting, having or not having, being or not being…

I despise facebook – so the break from there is welcomed and very refreshing – (I do intend to delete it altogether soon).

However, twitter has become a second home for me – my tweeps, my second-family. I am itching to log in and see if anyone was blessed with a BFP… there are many woman whom I have been praying for, and am very anxious to know how their 2WW have been, etc…

I also feel guilty, and selfish – for taking this break…. I am doing it for me. Because I need to focus on being positive and not let myself get so involved with other people’s lives right now. However, these people have been there for me, and now, if they need support – I am not there for them…

I hope my tweeps understand that they are still in my thoughts and prayers – and I hope they are all doing well!! 🙂 For those of you who have blogs…I will be making my rounds now – and for those of you who do not — please drop me a line and let me know how you’re doing!! 🙂

Tomorrow the opk-fun begins… I’m staying hopeful, but DH and I will be having a serious discussion soon regarding next steps… whether or not to take a break… or whether to look into iui…..

It’s scary… but empowering – Mo, you are right… having timelines is never healthy, and if this is something we want now we need to figure out what we are willing to sacrifice or do in order to pursue that!!

Please keep us in your thoughts, and prayers, as we contemplate our future and hope for a +opk! 🙂

good news blues

11dpo

cd26

i am almost at the end of my 2ww… and up until a few days ago, i felt very hopeful. things seemed to be in our favor this month – ovulation took place at the perfect time in our bd schedule… we were able to bd the morning after the +opk, and happened to have bd’ed the night before we got the +opk….

then, a bunch of tweeps (twitter peeps) who really deserved and needed bfp’s got bfn’s instead…. that really dented my hopes, and my heart ached (and still aches) for them, and the reality of a bfn hit me… this may not be the cycle…

so – had a very difficult weekend… was cramping a lot, and just felt lethargic… did not want to get off the couch… had an “unexplained” crying fit… which is something i’ve experience a lot since our ttc journey began..

it’s when one just busts out in tears without any warning or apparent reason. hubby can tease me about something small or just me a look, and there will be a rush of snot and tears, and often hiccups too…which one cannot control, even when i know how ridiculous it is, and almost laugh at myself, i just cry harder… ridiculous, i know.

now i’m going to share something… and i really hope that the people this involves do not mind me blogging about it, but this blog is completely anonymous, so i know that this will not “get out”… if you read this… let me know, and i’ll remove what i’m about to write about.

my brother and “sil” called me earlier this week to share that they are pregnant…. now…. first i want to just say – i was the one that consistently encouraged them to start ttc… i was behind them 100% and still am… i am over the moon excited and happy for them. but…. it did bury any kind of hope i had left for this cycle… let me explain.

the idea of being pregnant at the same time as my “sil” is so perfect and would make all of this waiting worth it…. but because it would be so awesome and perfect, makes it seem all that more unlikely… i’ve never wanted it more than i want it now. to have someone i love to share this experience with… what a blessing that would be.

dh told me that maybe that’s just it… maybe this is the perfect time God has been saving this blessing for…? but, the thought that it may not be, is so gut wrenching that it seems to physically hurt!

and, of course, there is always going to be that part of me that hurts and is sad because they’re getting what we’ve wanted for so long, and that fact alone brings up a gargantuan heap of guilt and sadness…because this is family, and i really am happy for them! i swear it! seeing how happy they are and picturing my brother as a dad – wow… what exciting news!

i spoke to my mom the next day…

she has been such a great pillar of support for me, i can call her anytime and talk to her for over an hour – even if i have nothing specific to say or talk about… and she never complains or brushes me off. to admit to her that i was sad that day, made me even more sad and feel even more guilty – because she should be able to be excited and enjoy this wonderful news without having to console her “broken” daughter.

i hate this.

i hate that IF has seeped its way into my family.

i hate that no one understands (except the IF community).

i hate that its about so much more than just waiting to POAS and get a BFP.

i hate that we have to deal with this at all.

but

all of that being said…

i would not trade IF for anything… because as hard as all of this is, i would rather go through this and have a very real sense of how special and what a blessing pregnancy is, than be an ignorant (and i mean that in the best way) fertile. i know that IF has made me stronger, my marriage stronger, and i’ve met so many wonderful people because of it.

i have never really had a moment where i’ve felt that God has spoken to me… never that is, until yesterday…

i was driving home and praying in gratitude (suggestion from mom)…thanking God for all the things i’m grateful for… when i started praying for my brother and “sil”… i was thanking God that they didn’t have to deal with problems getting pregnant…

when i felt an overwhelming sense of realization…

i get so upset when people get it easy… why is it so easy for some people? they are so lucky, and really do not even realize how lucky they are, because unless you’ve been on the flip side, you don’t truly get it

but – i would not wish IF on my worst enemy, because it is so painful and difficult…

so – why do i get upset at other people’s good news..? the alternative is that they have trouble ttc…which i wouldn’t wish on anyone…

of course – yes, i get sad because of my struggles, not because of their success…

but – this realization has made me see things in a completely new light… when i get upset, i’m just feeling sorry for myself, and that’s ridiculous – because, as i said – i’m grateful for IF….

okay – i know this post is getting awfully long…i apologize, but i have a lot to get off my chest…

last night – i had severe af-like cramps. sometimes i wake up in the middle of night because of cramps and i know – af has arrived… but – nope, she hadn’t…

i have never had such bad cramps without af being present…so, of course, i googled it – quite a few women experience severe-af like cramps before they get their bfp’s… so – i am hopeful again…

of course – there is a chance that something is wrong, and that’s why i have cramps and no af – but i’m trusting God that either af is on her way, or i am in fact pregnant….

i will test on friday… when af is due….

one step at a time

the couple that i have blogged about here and here had their baby…

now – i am not a bad person (i do not believe so anyway), and i try not speak badly of others (slander, etc) but … for the purpose of my sanity (and to maybe give fertile people some insight into how those struggling feel, etc) i am going to share what that day was like for me…

i am not sure if i am the only one who does this – but, even though i knew it was going to be difficult for me – i constantly checked facebook to see updates of the birth of this baby…

i do not like to be upset by it all … i do not want to feel sorry for myself … then why do i do it? i had previously blocked updates from this couple, to spare the heartache… but then i was in a good place, and unblocked them…

perhaps, this curiosity stemmed from the need to know that everything went well (i was praying for her)…

whatever the reason – i was checking facebook…

however – i got a lot more than i bargained for… she updated during labor to share how dilated she was, and an image of the baby was posted on facebook for the world to see within minutes of her birth….

am i the only one who thinks this is INSANE? i’m not going to go into what i think exactly, because i really don’t like to “put people down” … but… really?

anyways…

last night i checked facebook – to see a pic that ‘the dad’ put on facebook of the baby’s footprints… i realized that he has a daughter… and (for the second time that day actually) i felt the tears coming…

i left the room – to “do some school work” have a good cry… (i didn’t want dh to see me) and remembered that i hadn’t done an opk yet…so i poas and went to my office to set up my laptop to do school work convince dh that i was just going to do some work… when he went to the bathroom…

when he came out, he had a grin on his face… i asked him if there was a smiley face… and he said yes- i didn’t believe him… but…..

yes!!! it was positive!!! I was BEYOND excited… (i got a little glimpse into what it might feel like to get a bfp preg. test)… i even took a photo… yes… of a positive ovulation test…. (please don’t judge me)…

so.. not only did i ovulate… but dh and i did a great job of sticking to the bd-schedule this week!!

even if we don’t get our bfp this cycle…

  • af arrived on her own
  • af arrived on CD28 – well, it was CD1 of course…but you know what i mean
  • i ovulated!!!

next step – fertilization and implantation…. but – either way, i praise God for these small (actually kinda big) victories!!

and so…my two week wait begins!! (the first one where i am sure the opk was +, bec it was digital…so, i feel like it’s my first real 2ww!!)

p.s.: i have also been trying to put on weight… i am 5′ 4″ and weighed 110lbs…. slightly underweight… so i’ve been drinking a shake everyday to help me gain some weight, and i’ve been trying to eat more,etc… this is not the first time i’ve tried to put on weight, and i’ve never had any luck… but – i weighed myself this evening… 116lbs! woohoo!! 🙂 apparently – you need body fat to produce estrogen.. so it’s important to have a little body fat in order to conceive… so- i am very excited to have put on some weight!

>It’s okay to falter…right?

>I am having a bad day – I have the worst PMS… which of course means that AF is on her lovely way….

I have also started reading too many IF blogs… so many people move on to IUI or IVF after a short time of TTC…. we’ve been TTC for 2 years now and I don’t want to get tested…I don’t want a needle placed in me to inject dye into my lady parts…I know my DH doesn’t want to have to go and have “special alone time” with a cup in a doctors office….

Our God is the maker of heaven and earth – He performs miracles every day! I know that if there is something wrong…if it is His will that we get pregnant…. we will get pregnant! He can overcome any medical obstacle! None of those test results will change that! God can do anything!

I truly believe that…. but, sometimes I wonder if I’m just afraid… am I in denial?
More than anything I want a baby…I want to have lots of kids, and I want to start young… my mom was a young mom and I see the relationship she has with my older brothers… I want that!! It’s something special when you’re only 28-30 years older than your first born.

However, I also know that my plans and dreams and hopes mean nothing…. God’s will in my life is what matters. If it’s God’s will that I only have a baby when I’m 32 years old…then that’s what is important. (Gosh that is scary and painful to think about.)

It’s not easy to give up your life, your hopes, and dreams to surrender to God’s will in your life. But, I don’t think it’s meant to be easy.

I suppose the important thing to do, is to draw nearer to God and quietly wait to hear His will and direction for my life. If it’s His will that I go and get tested… and pursue other options…then so be it….If it’s His will that I trust in Him, and wait for His time…then so be it….

I pray that I can remain strong and constantly seek Him out and grow closer to Him, so I can live according to His will.

>Deep breaths

>Okay, this is my first personal post – which is not a letter to our unborn child of the future….

I don’t like to complain about other people, but as anyone who has been TTC for years knows – sometimes it’s necessary; in order to hold onto a shred of sanity.

The couple I mentioned in my previous letter is now almost 2.5 months or 3 months along… and it’s already very difficult to be around them.
It is super frustrating, because it makes me so sad, among other things… but mostly – I’m jealous! Which is not right, because I know God has a plan for us!

I am currently in CD27 … I am so grateful for ovulation tests because we used them for the first time this month, and lo and behold – I ovulated a week late… so although I am “three-days-late” for AF… I know that in fact I am due for an AF a week later than I should have been. This will be the third time I am “late” for over a week… so I am super grateful for the tests, because otherwise I’d be dying to POAS!

I wonder why I have ovulated late… the first time was over 18 months ago… and the second time was 3 months ago… (Well, I don’t know that I ovulated late those times, but I was 10/14 days late each time and then AF came along).

Anyways… I am not feeling too emotional at the moment. I’m hoping to avoid the AF-meltdown this month. As always – preparing for the worst, but hoping and praying for the best! 🙂

Baby dust to all those TTC out there! 🙂

>Learning to wait..

>Our angel, whom we have yet to “receive” and already love so much,

It has been a difficult journey learning to trust God and wait for you. However, your dad and I have grown so much through this trial! Grown as people, grown in Christ, and grown as a couple. I feel like our relationship has been renewed! It’s an awesome place to be, and we are fully aware that God’s plan is perfect and his timing is too. I believe we needed to go through this to grow the way that we have and become the people we are today, so that we are better prepared to be parents and raise a child in God.

Our patience, or should I say MY patience was tested a little bit this past week. We have been attending a particular church for over three years now, and in the past year this church received a new pastor. Through the new pastor (although we loved the old one) and through the fellowship of the young adults and a young couple in particular we have grown so much in faith and have rededicated our lives to Christ and are starting to make the changes necessary to truly live in Him. Well, a number of months ago the pastor asked us and this other young couple whether we were planning on having children, and we said that we have been trying, and they said that they want children, just not quite yet.
Well, this past week that couple shared the news that they are expecting their little angel. It was just such a shock that sent me into a bit of a downward spiral. I was having all these horrible feelings and emotions that I knew were wrong, but couldn’t control. I prayed continuously for God to help me be happy for them (although I know that I was… but that happiness was buried deep below feelings of jealousy, bitterness, anger, sadness, fear…) and trust in His plan for my life and not compare my journey with this wonderful Godly woman’s.

I spoke with my pastor’s wife and she prayed with me too and helped me to not feel alone. I am normally strong in my faith that God will bless us when it’s His time – the right time, yet every now and then there is a bit of a bump, that causes me to doubt my resilience and my faith a little. However, I feel that I am better prepared for the rest of the journey and I’m excited for it; because I know God will bless us with you!

Your loving, and patient, mom.
xx