Tag Archives: faith

quick update

CD9

okay – so AF arrived as expected…

and surprisingly – i did not even shed a tear… i came close at one point.. but really didn’t experience anytime of emotional breakdown. which, considering that cycle was the last clomid cycle, is surprising.

i do not know how to explain it – but, i am at peace. i even forgot to take my prenatal vitamin a few times, have had coffee without freaking myself out…i am just living…

i feel that i am slowly but surely letting go and releasing this to God.

i am a little nervous about this cycle, only because (Testing my patience/faith” href=”https://ttcinfaith.wordpress.com/2011/04/25/testing-my-patiencefaith/”>as you may remember) before my first cycle on clomid i had to go on provera in order to force AF to arrive – which was probably caused by a lack of ovulation…

at the moment, we’re just taking things slow and seeing what happens – with persistent prayers for a healthy natural cycle. DH mentioned the possibility of doing IUI sooner rather than later, in the hopes of becoming successfully PG in time for my mom to be able to meet a new grandbaby when she visits next year… but i’m not sure yet…

i am in such a good, positive place – the thought of all the monitoring and “hoo-ha” that comes with fertility treatments, i’m not sure i want to disrupt my current emotional happiness.

so – here we are…

i am not even using OPKs this month – we’re just going to try to stick to a good BD routine and monitor whether ovulation occures with my bbt chart. oh – and i’ll go for a massage every week until ovulation occurs i think. i went for one during the week of ovulation last cycle – and i think it helped keep me relaxed for my 2WW.

i’ll let you know how we do.

hope this finds each of you well and happy!!

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trust issues

CD24

9DPO

so, i’m almost through with my 2WW… not feeling as crazy as i usually feel… have no symptoms, phantom or real. but i have had some mild cramping, so i am expecting AF to show her face – hopefully this time she will wait until AFTER the wedding i am attending this weekend (2 months ago she arrived during the reception of a friends wedding). that is – of course- if she has to arrive at all.

 

i feel pretty at peace about this cycle – but i have felt that way in the past, and then when AF arrives – it all goes to hell and i just fall apart as usual. but, i am hoping and praying that this time, the peace is for real and it lasts. i have nothing left to lose – and i’m at the point where all i can do is let go and trust God.

i got a hair cut this afternoon – quite a drastic change…but loving it. i feel like it’s lifted my spirits – like, shedding all my hair has been symbolic of me shedding all the pain and fear of the past year or so… and i am ready for whatever the future holds for us.

don’t get me wrong — i am still a bitter infertile… but i’m feeling a bit more like myself and i feel like i can take on whatever the future holds with a positive attitude.

i read this on someone’s blog or something a few weeks ago –

‘if we can trust God with eternity, then we can trust Him with our now’

i am trying to remember that everyday and learning to let go and trust…

Social Networking Hiatus

CD9

Okay – I feel so out of the loop…yet, free.

Hi – my name is Sherrie, and I am a recovering compulsive social-networking site checker.

On Thursday evening last week, I decided that I wanted to take a break from twitter and facebook – to be fully present in my own life and not be so caught up in what other people are doing or not doing, getting or not getting, having or not having, being or not being…

I despise facebook – so the break from there is welcomed and very refreshing – (I do intend to delete it altogether soon).

However, twitter has become a second home for me – my tweeps, my second-family. I am itching to log in and see if anyone was blessed with a BFP… there are many woman whom I have been praying for, and am very anxious to know how their 2WW have been, etc…

I also feel guilty, and selfish – for taking this break…. I am doing it for me. Because I need to focus on being positive and not let myself get so involved with other people’s lives right now. However, these people have been there for me, and now, if they need support – I am not there for them…

I hope my tweeps understand that they are still in my thoughts and prayers – and I hope they are all doing well!! 🙂 For those of you who have blogs…I will be making my rounds now – and for those of you who do not — please drop me a line and let me know how you’re doing!! 🙂

Tomorrow the opk-fun begins… I’m staying hopeful, but DH and I will be having a serious discussion soon regarding next steps… whether or not to take a break… or whether to look into iui…..

It’s scary… but empowering – Mo, you are right… having timelines is never healthy, and if this is something we want now we need to figure out what we are willing to sacrifice or do in order to pursue that!!

Please keep us in your thoughts, and prayers, as we contemplate our future and hope for a +opk! 🙂

round two goes to….IF

CD3

yup – that’s right… my previous cycle is over – it ended with a BFN.

after getting a BFN on friday morning – i woke up on satureday morning and my temperature had dropped well below my coverline…. which meant impending af.

so – when she arrived very late that night – i was well prepared… (DH was not home all evening, he had a soccer game to go to)

after a day keeping busy with errands and holding back tears, by evening i had drunk most of a bottle wine to myself (and i do not drink often anymore… very very rarely in fact)… and spent the evening avoiding the obvious (did school work, played some kinect – dance central-, started reading a new book, did a page of my scrapbook), except for the moment where i mistakenly chose to reply to an old friend’s email – not only do i miss his friendship a great deal (because he lives across the ocean), but i decided to share a little bit of our struggle with him… after that much wine… not such a good idea. but – it let me face reality for a little bit…

i dont even know where to begin to explain or express how i feel about all of this…

  • i realized sometime this weekend that we cannot just keep trying to get pregnant… because i have to student teach for 3 months next year, and there is a bit of a deadline – so i can’t have just given birth right before i’m supposed to start student teaching, and i can also not be 6-9 months pregnant when i start student teaching. not to mention that i can’t be pregnant right after student teaching – who is going to hire a new teacher who is “about to burst forth a baby”?
  • so – i’ve figured that we only have 3 more cycles to go before we need to take a years break from TTC.

so there are a few reasons why this absolutely guts me —

  • my mother (whom i haven’t seen in 3.5 years because she lives so far away) is planning on coming to visit next year… ideally to meet a new baby, but also just to visit – while she is financially able to. This will be, in all likelihood, the last time she’ll be able to come out… and the thought of her coming out, and us not having a baby for her to meet is so upsetting it breaks my heart a little more each time I think about it. (and yes, it hurts and makes me sad that she will be meeting a different grandchild when she visits my bro & SIL before coming here)
  • a year off doesn’t sound so bad, and i’ve often thought about taking a break – because this is so emotionally draining… however, by the time we will start trying again, i will 26.5 years old and best case scenario… 27 when i have our first baby (yes – i know, that’s not old)… and although that does not really mean anything – it does mean that we have lost 5 years – when we could already have two children… i do not want to have children after i am 35 years old…and i want 3-4 children (with my family being so far away, and DH’s family being so bizarre – we want our immediate family to be big enough to support one another and get a good sense of what family means).
  • maybe i am being too greedy – i should just worry about having one healthy baby, and not be so concerned with how many children i want by a certain age… but – when you start to realize that your dreams are in jeopardy of not coming true – that’s a difficult pill to swallow.

i am trying to let go…

i really am.

i want to be satisfied to wait and fully trust God to fulfill my dreams and the desires of my heart… but at the moment i can’t help but feel sad, jealous, angry, frustrated, alone, like i need to hold it together and pretend to be okay for everyone else.

i dont think that wanting a baby is a selfish thing to want… it’s not self-serving, it’s not greedy, it has nothing to do with pride… why is it then that i fear that this is something i need to let go of because God is trying to teach me an important lesson about trust? i do believe that His timing is perfect, and He knows more than i do about what is best for me… but, we are also called to ask for what we want… and to do so with the belief and understanding that it will be given..i think finding that balance is what is causing me so much conflict…

this cycle is the last clomid cylce i will be doing before going to an RE – but we wanted to wait until september before going to an RE, and I guess now we’ll just wait until next year… if we’re not PG before then.

my clomid dosage is doubling…which scares me, because i had so much cramping this past cycle – and knowing that the dose is double, leads me to believe it will be worse – along with the hot flashes, mood swings, fatigue, etc…

needless to say – i do not have much hope left…i’m hoping to be able to find it after posting this – there is a lot that i’m struggling with right now and i’m trying to not suffocate under it all…

i promise that i will move on soon… and find some things to be happy about and thankful for (i am thankful for a lot of things, and have been praying about them daily). i promise not to dwell on all the “what ifs” that i’ve mentioned in this post… i promise to deal with this, and find my footing again.

good news blues

11dpo

cd26

i am almost at the end of my 2ww… and up until a few days ago, i felt very hopeful. things seemed to be in our favor this month – ovulation took place at the perfect time in our bd schedule… we were able to bd the morning after the +opk, and happened to have bd’ed the night before we got the +opk….

then, a bunch of tweeps (twitter peeps) who really deserved and needed bfp’s got bfn’s instead…. that really dented my hopes, and my heart ached (and still aches) for them, and the reality of a bfn hit me… this may not be the cycle…

so – had a very difficult weekend… was cramping a lot, and just felt lethargic… did not want to get off the couch… had an “unexplained” crying fit… which is something i’ve experience a lot since our ttc journey began..

it’s when one just busts out in tears without any warning or apparent reason. hubby can tease me about something small or just me a look, and there will be a rush of snot and tears, and often hiccups too…which one cannot control, even when i know how ridiculous it is, and almost laugh at myself, i just cry harder… ridiculous, i know.

now i’m going to share something… and i really hope that the people this involves do not mind me blogging about it, but this blog is completely anonymous, so i know that this will not “get out”… if you read this… let me know, and i’ll remove what i’m about to write about.

my brother and “sil” called me earlier this week to share that they are pregnant…. now…. first i want to just say – i was the one that consistently encouraged them to start ttc… i was behind them 100% and still am… i am over the moon excited and happy for them. but…. it did bury any kind of hope i had left for this cycle… let me explain.

the idea of being pregnant at the same time as my “sil” is so perfect and would make all of this waiting worth it…. but because it would be so awesome and perfect, makes it seem all that more unlikely… i’ve never wanted it more than i want it now. to have someone i love to share this experience with… what a blessing that would be.

dh told me that maybe that’s just it… maybe this is the perfect time God has been saving this blessing for…? but, the thought that it may not be, is so gut wrenching that it seems to physically hurt!

and, of course, there is always going to be that part of me that hurts and is sad because they’re getting what we’ve wanted for so long, and that fact alone brings up a gargantuan heap of guilt and sadness…because this is family, and i really am happy for them! i swear it! seeing how happy they are and picturing my brother as a dad – wow… what exciting news!

i spoke to my mom the next day…

she has been such a great pillar of support for me, i can call her anytime and talk to her for over an hour – even if i have nothing specific to say or talk about… and she never complains or brushes me off. to admit to her that i was sad that day, made me even more sad and feel even more guilty – because she should be able to be excited and enjoy this wonderful news without having to console her “broken” daughter.

i hate this.

i hate that IF has seeped its way into my family.

i hate that no one understands (except the IF community).

i hate that its about so much more than just waiting to POAS and get a BFP.

i hate that we have to deal with this at all.

but

all of that being said…

i would not trade IF for anything… because as hard as all of this is, i would rather go through this and have a very real sense of how special and what a blessing pregnancy is, than be an ignorant (and i mean that in the best way) fertile. i know that IF has made me stronger, my marriage stronger, and i’ve met so many wonderful people because of it.

i have never really had a moment where i’ve felt that God has spoken to me… never that is, until yesterday…

i was driving home and praying in gratitude (suggestion from mom)…thanking God for all the things i’m grateful for… when i started praying for my brother and “sil”… i was thanking God that they didn’t have to deal with problems getting pregnant…

when i felt an overwhelming sense of realization…

i get so upset when people get it easy… why is it so easy for some people? they are so lucky, and really do not even realize how lucky they are, because unless you’ve been on the flip side, you don’t truly get it

but – i would not wish IF on my worst enemy, because it is so painful and difficult…

so – why do i get upset at other people’s good news..? the alternative is that they have trouble ttc…which i wouldn’t wish on anyone…

of course – yes, i get sad because of my struggles, not because of their success…

but – this realization has made me see things in a completely new light… when i get upset, i’m just feeling sorry for myself, and that’s ridiculous – because, as i said – i’m grateful for IF….

okay – i know this post is getting awfully long…i apologize, but i have a lot to get off my chest…

last night – i had severe af-like cramps. sometimes i wake up in the middle of night because of cramps and i know – af has arrived… but – nope, she hadn’t…

i have never had such bad cramps without af being present…so, of course, i googled it – quite a few women experience severe-af like cramps before they get their bfp’s… so – i am hopeful again…

of course – there is a chance that something is wrong, and that’s why i have cramps and no af – but i’m trusting God that either af is on her way, or i am in fact pregnant….

i will test on friday… when af is due….

>It’s okay to falter…right?

>I am having a bad day – I have the worst PMS… which of course means that AF is on her lovely way….

I have also started reading too many IF blogs… so many people move on to IUI or IVF after a short time of TTC…. we’ve been TTC for 2 years now and I don’t want to get tested…I don’t want a needle placed in me to inject dye into my lady parts…I know my DH doesn’t want to have to go and have “special alone time” with a cup in a doctors office….

Our God is the maker of heaven and earth – He performs miracles every day! I know that if there is something wrong…if it is His will that we get pregnant…. we will get pregnant! He can overcome any medical obstacle! None of those test results will change that! God can do anything!

I truly believe that…. but, sometimes I wonder if I’m just afraid… am I in denial?
More than anything I want a baby…I want to have lots of kids, and I want to start young… my mom was a young mom and I see the relationship she has with my older brothers… I want that!! It’s something special when you’re only 28-30 years older than your first born.

However, I also know that my plans and dreams and hopes mean nothing…. God’s will in my life is what matters. If it’s God’s will that I only have a baby when I’m 32 years old…then that’s what is important. (Gosh that is scary and painful to think about.)

It’s not easy to give up your life, your hopes, and dreams to surrender to God’s will in your life. But, I don’t think it’s meant to be easy.

I suppose the important thing to do, is to draw nearer to God and quietly wait to hear His will and direction for my life. If it’s His will that I go and get tested… and pursue other options…then so be it….If it’s His will that I trust in Him, and wait for His time…then so be it….

I pray that I can remain strong and constantly seek Him out and grow closer to Him, so I can live according to His will.

>Learning to wait..

>Our angel, whom we have yet to “receive” and already love so much,

It has been a difficult journey learning to trust God and wait for you. However, your dad and I have grown so much through this trial! Grown as people, grown in Christ, and grown as a couple. I feel like our relationship has been renewed! It’s an awesome place to be, and we are fully aware that God’s plan is perfect and his timing is too. I believe we needed to go through this to grow the way that we have and become the people we are today, so that we are better prepared to be parents and raise a child in God.

Our patience, or should I say MY patience was tested a little bit this past week. We have been attending a particular church for over three years now, and in the past year this church received a new pastor. Through the new pastor (although we loved the old one) and through the fellowship of the young adults and a young couple in particular we have grown so much in faith and have rededicated our lives to Christ and are starting to make the changes necessary to truly live in Him. Well, a number of months ago the pastor asked us and this other young couple whether we were planning on having children, and we said that we have been trying, and they said that they want children, just not quite yet.
Well, this past week that couple shared the news that they are expecting their little angel. It was just such a shock that sent me into a bit of a downward spiral. I was having all these horrible feelings and emotions that I knew were wrong, but couldn’t control. I prayed continuously for God to help me be happy for them (although I know that I was… but that happiness was buried deep below feelings of jealousy, bitterness, anger, sadness, fear…) and trust in His plan for my life and not compare my journey with this wonderful Godly woman’s.

I spoke with my pastor’s wife and she prayed with me too and helped me to not feel alone. I am normally strong in my faith that God will bless us when it’s His time – the right time, yet every now and then there is a bit of a bump, that causes me to doubt my resilience and my faith a little. However, I feel that I am better prepared for the rest of the journey and I’m excited for it; because I know God will bless us with you!

Your loving, and patient, mom.
xx