round two goes to….IF

CD3

yup – that’s right… my previous cycle is over – it ended with a BFN.

after getting a BFN on friday morning – i woke up on satureday morning and my temperature had dropped well below my coverline…. which meant impending af.

so – when she arrived very late that night – i was well prepared… (DH was not home all evening, he had a soccer game to go to)

after a day keeping busy with errands and holding back tears, by evening i had drunk most of a bottle wine to myself (and i do not drink often anymore… very very rarely in fact)… and spent the evening avoiding the obvious (did school work, played some kinect – dance central-, started reading a new book, did a page of my scrapbook), except for the moment where i mistakenly chose to reply to an old friend’s email – not only do i miss his friendship a great deal (because he lives across the ocean), but i decided to share a little bit of our struggle with him… after that much wine… not such a good idea. but – it let me face reality for a little bit…

i dont even know where to begin to explain or express how i feel about all of this…

  • i realized sometime this weekend that we cannot just keep trying to get pregnant… because i have to student teach for 3 months next year, and there is a bit of a deadline – so i can’t have just given birth right before i’m supposed to start student teaching, and i can also not be 6-9 months pregnant when i start student teaching. not to mention that i can’t be pregnant right after student teaching – who is going to hire a new teacher who is “about to burst forth a baby”?
  • so – i’ve figured that we only have 3 more cycles to go before we need to take a years break from TTC.

so there are a few reasons why this absolutely guts me —

  • my mother (whom i haven’t seen in 3.5 years because she lives so far away) is planning on coming to visit next year… ideally to meet a new baby, but also just to visit – while she is financially able to. This will be, in all likelihood, the last time she’ll be able to come out… and the thought of her coming out, and us not having a baby for her to meet is so upsetting it breaks my heart a little more each time I think about it. (and yes, it hurts and makes me sad that she will be meeting a different grandchild when she visits my bro & SIL before coming here)
  • a year off doesn’t sound so bad, and i’ve often thought about taking a break – because this is so emotionally draining… however, by the time we will start trying again, i will 26.5 years old and best case scenario… 27 when i have our first baby (yes – i know, that’s not old)… and although that does not really mean anything – it does mean that we have lost 5 years – when we could already have two children… i do not want to have children after i am 35 years old…and i want 3-4 children (with my family being so far away, and DH’s family being so bizarre – we want our immediate family to be big enough to support one another and get a good sense of what family means).
  • maybe i am being too greedy – i should just worry about having one healthy baby, and not be so concerned with how many children i want by a certain age… but – when you start to realize that your dreams are in jeopardy of not coming true – that’s a difficult pill to swallow.

i am trying to let go…

i really am.

i want to be satisfied to wait and fully trust God to fulfill my dreams and the desires of my heart… but at the moment i can’t help but feel sad, jealous, angry, frustrated, alone, like i need to hold it together and pretend to be okay for everyone else.

i dont think that wanting a baby is a selfish thing to want… it’s not self-serving, it’s not greedy, it has nothing to do with pride… why is it then that i fear that this is something i need to let go of because God is trying to teach me an important lesson about trust? i do believe that His timing is perfect, and He knows more than i do about what is best for me… but, we are also called to ask for what we want… and to do so with the belief and understanding that it will be given..i think finding that balance is what is causing me so much conflict…

this cycle is the last clomid cylce i will be doing before going to an RE – but we wanted to wait until september before going to an RE, and I guess now we’ll just wait until next year… if we’re not PG before then.

my clomid dosage is doubling…which scares me, because i had so much cramping this past cycle – and knowing that the dose is double, leads me to believe it will be worse – along with the hot flashes, mood swings, fatigue, etc…

needless to say – i do not have much hope left…i’m hoping to be able to find it after posting this – there is a lot that i’m struggling with right now and i’m trying to not suffocate under it all…

i promise that i will move on soon… and find some things to be happy about and thankful for (i am thankful for a lot of things, and have been praying about them daily). i promise not to dwell on all the “what ifs” that i’ve mentioned in this post… i promise to deal with this, and find my footing again.

good news blues

11dpo

cd26

i am almost at the end of my 2ww… and up until a few days ago, i felt very hopeful. things seemed to be in our favor this month – ovulation took place at the perfect time in our bd schedule… we were able to bd the morning after the +opk, and happened to have bd’ed the night before we got the +opk….

then, a bunch of tweeps (twitter peeps) who really deserved and needed bfp’s got bfn’s instead…. that really dented my hopes, and my heart ached (and still aches) for them, and the reality of a bfn hit me… this may not be the cycle…

so – had a very difficult weekend… was cramping a lot, and just felt lethargic… did not want to get off the couch… had an “unexplained” crying fit… which is something i’ve experience a lot since our ttc journey began..

it’s when one just busts out in tears without any warning or apparent reason. hubby can tease me about something small or just me a look, and there will be a rush of snot and tears, and often hiccups too…which one cannot control, even when i know how ridiculous it is, and almost laugh at myself, i just cry harder… ridiculous, i know.

now i’m going to share something… and i really hope that the people this involves do not mind me blogging about it, but this blog is completely anonymous, so i know that this will not “get out”… if you read this… let me know, and i’ll remove what i’m about to write about.

my brother and “sil” called me earlier this week to share that they are pregnant…. now…. first i want to just say – i was the one that consistently encouraged them to start ttc… i was behind them 100% and still am… i am over the moon excited and happy for them. but…. it did bury any kind of hope i had left for this cycle… let me explain.

the idea of being pregnant at the same time as my “sil” is so perfect and would make all of this waiting worth it…. but because it would be so awesome and perfect, makes it seem all that more unlikely… i’ve never wanted it more than i want it now. to have someone i love to share this experience with… what a blessing that would be.

dh told me that maybe that’s just it… maybe this is the perfect time God has been saving this blessing for…? but, the thought that it may not be, is so gut wrenching that it seems to physically hurt!

and, of course, there is always going to be that part of me that hurts and is sad because they’re getting what we’ve wanted for so long, and that fact alone brings up a gargantuan heap of guilt and sadness…because this is family, and i really am happy for them! i swear it! seeing how happy they are and picturing my brother as a dad – wow… what exciting news!

i spoke to my mom the next day…

she has been such a great pillar of support for me, i can call her anytime and talk to her for over an hour – even if i have nothing specific to say or talk about… and she never complains or brushes me off. to admit to her that i was sad that day, made me even more sad and feel even more guilty – because she should be able to be excited and enjoy this wonderful news without having to console her “broken” daughter.

i hate this.

i hate that IF has seeped its way into my family.

i hate that no one understands (except the IF community).

i hate that its about so much more than just waiting to POAS and get a BFP.

i hate that we have to deal with this at all.

but

all of that being said…

i would not trade IF for anything… because as hard as all of this is, i would rather go through this and have a very real sense of how special and what a blessing pregnancy is, than be an ignorant (and i mean that in the best way) fertile. i know that IF has made me stronger, my marriage stronger, and i’ve met so many wonderful people because of it.

i have never really had a moment where i’ve felt that God has spoken to me… never that is, until yesterday…

i was driving home and praying in gratitude (suggestion from mom)…thanking God for all the things i’m grateful for… when i started praying for my brother and “sil”… i was thanking God that they didn’t have to deal with problems getting pregnant…

when i felt an overwhelming sense of realization…

i get so upset when people get it easy… why is it so easy for some people? they are so lucky, and really do not even realize how lucky they are, because unless you’ve been on the flip side, you don’t truly get it

but – i would not wish IF on my worst enemy, because it is so painful and difficult…

so – why do i get upset at other people’s good news..? the alternative is that they have trouble ttc…which i wouldn’t wish on anyone…

of course – yes, i get sad because of my struggles, not because of their success…

but – this realization has made me see things in a completely new light… when i get upset, i’m just feeling sorry for myself, and that’s ridiculous – because, as i said – i’m grateful for IF….

okay – i know this post is getting awfully long…i apologize, but i have a lot to get off my chest…

last night – i had severe af-like cramps. sometimes i wake up in the middle of night because of cramps and i know – af has arrived… but – nope, she hadn’t…

i have never had such bad cramps without af being present…so, of course, i googled it – quite a few women experience severe-af like cramps before they get their bfp’s… so – i am hopeful again…

of course – there is a chance that something is wrong, and that’s why i have cramps and no af – but i’m trusting God that either af is on her way, or i am in fact pregnant….

i will test on friday… when af is due….

one step at a time

the couple that i have blogged about here and here had their baby…

now – i am not a bad person (i do not believe so anyway), and i try not speak badly of others (slander, etc) but … for the purpose of my sanity (and to maybe give fertile people some insight into how those struggling feel, etc) i am going to share what that day was like for me…

i am not sure if i am the only one who does this – but, even though i knew it was going to be difficult for me – i constantly checked facebook to see updates of the birth of this baby…

i do not like to be upset by it all … i do not want to feel sorry for myself … then why do i do it? i had previously blocked updates from this couple, to spare the heartache… but then i was in a good place, and unblocked them…

perhaps, this curiosity stemmed from the need to know that everything went well (i was praying for her)…

whatever the reason – i was checking facebook…

however – i got a lot more than i bargained for… she updated during labor to share how dilated she was, and an image of the baby was posted on facebook for the world to see within minutes of her birth….

am i the only one who thinks this is INSANE? i’m not going to go into what i think exactly, because i really don’t like to “put people down” … but… really?

anyways…

last night i checked facebook – to see a pic that ‘the dad’ put on facebook of the baby’s footprints… i realized that he has a daughter… and (for the second time that day actually) i felt the tears coming…

i left the room – to “do some school work” have a good cry… (i didn’t want dh to see me) and remembered that i hadn’t done an opk yet…so i poas and went to my office to set up my laptop to do school work convince dh that i was just going to do some work… when he went to the bathroom…

when he came out, he had a grin on his face… i asked him if there was a smiley face… and he said yes- i didn’t believe him… but…..

yes!!! it was positive!!! I was BEYOND excited… (i got a little glimpse into what it might feel like to get a bfp preg. test)… i even took a photo… yes… of a positive ovulation test…. (please don’t judge me)…

so.. not only did i ovulate… but dh and i did a great job of sticking to the bd-schedule this week!!

even if we don’t get our bfp this cycle…

  • af arrived on her own
  • af arrived on CD28 – well, it was CD1 of course…but you know what i mean
  • i ovulated!!!

next step – fertilization and implantation…. but – either way, i praise God for these small (actually kinda big) victories!!

and so…my two week wait begins!! (the first one where i am sure the opk was +, bec it was digital…so, i feel like it’s my first real 2ww!!)

p.s.: i have also been trying to put on weight… i am 5′ 4″ and weighed 110lbs…. slightly underweight… so i’ve been drinking a shake everyday to help me gain some weight, and i’ve been trying to eat more,etc… this is not the first time i’ve tried to put on weight, and i’ve never had any luck… but – i weighed myself this evening… 116lbs! woohoo!! 🙂 apparently – you need body fat to produce estrogen.. so it’s important to have a little body fat in order to conceive… so- i am very excited to have put on some weight!

welcome

so here it is… my “new” blog (really same old blog, new site and new look)…

let me know what you think… and if you have any suggestions, don’t like something, or have something you’d like to see on here that isn’t on here — let me know! 🙂

i’m excited to join the wordpress family! 🙂

>Shout Out (Praise Post)

>i have a lot to praise God for:

a wonderful husband
a great job
the opportunity to study and fulfill my dream of being a teacher
my house
my family
my friends
and
much
much more
however, at the moment, i have nothing ttc related to praise about (besides af arriving without the need for meds)…
but… there has been a great deal of good news for my tweeps lately…so i want to dedicate this post to them and their success, and i want them to know that i’m rooting and praying for them and their growing miracles!!
first is one of the first ttc tweeps i began following on twitter… she’s been a great source of support and encouragement. and she’s introduced me to many fun canadian tweeps… please go and check out Andrea’s blog : Tales From A Locked Womb.
the next is one my favorite ttc bloggers – i discovered her blog and read it from beginning to present in the span of a couple of days… she’s witty and always has me lol’ing! check out Elphaba’s blog- Yolk: A blog about eggs and sperm.
then there are a couple of other great bloggers who have been around the block and back in their efforts ttc…  Jay @ The 2 Week Wait (who hasn’t even blogged about her good news yet bec it’s so new!! SO excited for her…she is super funny too…look for her post about IF greeting cards)…and last but def. not least, Laura who blogs with Jen @ A Little Barefoot.
yes, there is always a twinge of jealousy when others get their bfp’s… but i can say without a doubt that i am truly and passionately happy and excited for these ladies, because i know that they have each been through a lot and deserve this, and will appreciate it, as much as i will when it is my turn. all of this good news also renews my hope….

>And – round one goes to….

>…. i don’t know who, but definitely not me.

CD3

taking the clo.mid really got my hopes up… even the hot flushes were bearable because, let’s face it – anything is bearable if it will get me pregnant at this point.

so, i spent the month tracking my temperature, examining my saliva, using OPK’s (if you’re a new follower – there is a list of TTC acronyms for reference, just click on ‘the jargon’ above and voila!), and attempting to track CM.

i used OPK’s from cycle day 6 all the way through cycle day 22/23… and some days I tested twice – for fear of missing ovulation… lo and behold – all negative…

i’m beginning to feel like the positive ovulation test has become as elusive as a positive pregnancy test.

it was the first time i tracked my temperature, so i had nothing to compare it to, but i did not detect a rise in temperature that lasted three or four days – which is generally the rule of thumb for detecting that ovulation has occurred. I also only detected slight ferning with my saliva scope, but nothing to indicate ovulation.

so – even with the 50mg of clo.mid, my body is not cooperating and not ovulating…

HOWEVER —

there is a mild “bright side” to this past cycle – AF arrived all on her own, without being medically induced with progesterone pills…AND, on cycle day 28!! (which has been my shortest cycle in months! before starting the clo.mid my cycles were 40+ days long)
okay, she did arrived in the middle of a wedding reception, however – it was a bittersweet “homecoming”…
i’m hoping that it is a good sign … that my body is getting back on track…

so, last night i started round two of clo.mid… still on 50mg, but we’re hoping that because AF arrived on her own, that this small act of compliance is a sign that my body is ready to cooperate!

>Our Next Step

>CD4

okay…now that i’ve gotten that vent post out of my system, i figure it’s time to fill you in on where we are at right now…

a friend of mine gave me some material to read, from when she was studying — it was an article about barren women in the Bible… it was really interesting and talks about how the male heroes in the bible were often conceived by barren women who went through similar journeys to conception.

the most important aspect of this article to me, was the fact that every one of these women took action — they did not just sit back and say “God will take care of it”… they did petition God and get upset and plead and asked Him to remember them and bless them, etc… but they also took action and fought to have children. Many of them used surrogates (their maidservants)… and one in particular even tried mandrakes (which was considered medicinal in those days)…

so.. this helped me to decide that i can not just sit back and do nothing anymore… i need to take action — my fear of disappointing God, or making the wrong choice is causing me to not act at all… and after reading the article, i feel that this is not the wrong choice anymore… and the worst case scenario is that i am making a mistake and perhaps this is not what God wants for me – but i know that God will make it right anyway, he will work it out for His glory… and He’s not going to stop loving me if i make a mistake – my past has proven this – He is faithful!!

so… i called my obgyn on monday and she sent the prescription through, and i began clo.mid yesterday (on CD3)… 50mg for 5 days for two cycles (hopefully i’ll only need it for one)… and then 100mg for another cycle… (again…hopefully we won’t get to the third cycle)….

i have also decided that if we do get to that third cycle – i will go and see an re…. just to take a look at my insides and make sure nothing is blocked up or in the wrong place or anything like that… if everything looks good… i may try to convince dh to get his “army” checked out…. and if everything still looks good – i think we’ll try clo.mid for another couple cycles and perhaps get blood work done throughout to gain some insight too…

iui and ivf are out of the question for us – we cannot afford $10,000 per attempt….

so…although we are using medication, we are still putting our hope and trust in God… He is always in control…

i am secretly hoping for twins (because on clo.mid there is a chance of twins or triplets, because it increases ovulation)…. but feel that it is a little greedy… of course, i will be overly ecstatic with just one healthy egg/follicle/embryo/baby….

i came across this video on a blog i was looking over, and it had me balling…. not even for myself, but for all those around the world struggling with infertility, multiple pregnancy losses, physically not being able to have children, etc…. it breaks my heart, because i know the pain i feel, and it cannot compare to what some women and couples are going through….

warning: if you watch the video – be sure to have tissues handy…

so – please pray for us…. i am hoping and praying that clo.mid will “do the trick”… especially since i did not ovulate (we believe) last cycle…perhaps ovulating has been the issue the whole time!?

>It is not obsession by choice…

>okay, so the other day i was talking to dh about the silly things people say in regard to our difficult journey ttc… and he said something that at first really hurt my feelings, but when i understood what he was actually saying… i had a moment of clarity.

when i talk to people about our struggles, in their eyes – it may seem that i am obsessing about everything… because, yes, there are a few people who know about our struggles, and when i talk to them, i don’t ever have any news, besides what’s happening with me in regard to how i’m feeling at that moment about my journey…

so – for those of you who are not having trouble ttc or have never had trouble ttc…let me share a little glimpse into my life – and how this journey affects me every single day… so that hopefully you’ll get a better idea of why it may seem that i am obsessing, when in fact it is just a very prominent part of my life – not by choice…because believe me (and i think i speak for most of those ttc for 2+ years) if i could ignore it or “relax” (as so many people ignorantly suggest) i would…

everyday my alarm wakes me up at 6am – saturdays and sundays included – so that i can take my bbt… i have to turn my alarm off and turn on my thermometer with as little movement as possible and take my temperature (in order for it to accurately take my bbt – i need to be very relaxed and essentially still half asleep)…. then i have to wake up enough to read the thermometer and record the temperature. i do this in the hopes that my bbt chart will give me some insight into when i am ovulating, so that i can ensure that dh and i bd at the right time.

once i’ve taken my temperature, i use my finger to swab some saliva from under my tongue and spread it onto my ovulation scope (which is a tiny microscope) and let it dry for 5 – 10 minutes, at which time i can look into the scope and determine what pattern my dried saliva is making. if it looks like a fern – then i am most likely getting ready to ovulate. you may think – well, aren’t you taking you charting your bbt to determine when you’re ovulating…? well – yes i am, but this works best when you have other methods for detection to help “back up” your chart.

once i actually officially wake up, i get ready for work, or for the day. i will have a cup of coffee – i can’t do this without considering the fact that we are ttc – because i shouldn’t really be having coffee at all, but if i do, i only have one small cup and then i have to make sure that i do not have any other caffeine during the day. i am also trying to lower my sugar intake – so i am now having less sugar in my coffee- because i read that high level of sugars can contribute to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)…and this may or may not be true – but i’ll do whatever it takes to increase my odds – also, it’d just be in my best interest to lower my sugar intake – to be healthier…

at the end of the day, i like to take a really hot shower… i have always loved hot showers – better yet, a nice long soak in a hot bath tub… however, after ovulation… during the 2ww when i may be pregnant…i cannot have a hot bath or a hot shower – because this can raise your body temperature too much and this is dangerous for pregnant women. so, due to the fact that ovulation is such a tricky thing to pin-point….i try to refrain from hot showers all together… so, every time i take a shower, i am reminded that i have to be very careful of how hot i make the water, and if i indulge in some hot water, i need to be very careful of how long i do so for.

this brings me to a very important point — what most people don’t understand, is that when you are ttc… for at least 2 weeks of every month, you have to live like you’re pregnant, because you just may be — and for many women ttc…. it’s easier to live that way all month (except perhaps during the time af is here… because that is a time when you know you’re definitely not pregnant).

so – that means being careful of what you eat — on top of not being able to eat things that pregnant women can’t eat…you also need to consider what is, and is not, healthy to eat when you’re trying to get pregnant. so – no soft cheeses or dairy that is unpasteurized (such as feta, brie, and blue cheese) , no fishy fish (or fish/seafood high in mercury), no alcohol, avoid hot dogs, avoid lunch meat, and of course – no caffeine (which i’m still working on).

this of course means that every time i am faced with a choice of what to eat, i need to consider all these things….  

then of course – i take a prenatal multi-vitamin… because many of the vitamins one needs during pregnancy, help with fertility and also – because i never know when i will in fact get pregnant, i want to ensure i am getting all the vitamins i need for a healthy pregnancy —- just in case.

i’m not going to go into details about how bd needs to be timed just right during my cycle … and also – needs to occur as often as possible prior to and during ovulation… so there is no (or very little) spontaneous and romantic bd’ing happening… and because everything is “scheduled” it has to be thought about and discussed… it’s not something one can just “relax” and forget about…. contrary to popular belief… you cannot get pregnant at just any time of the month… there is a somewhat small window of opportunity in which one can fall pregnant…. and when you’ve been trying for over a year… you are going to do whatever you can to increase your chances of conceiving – even if that means standing on your head after db’ing (which is actually not helpful — but elevating one’s legs and putting a pillow under one’s butt/hips will help those “little-guys” along…)

these are just the formalities we endure in our hopes to become pregnant – of course there is also the emotional roller-coaster ride that accompanies these… and often this is what we talk to our family and friends about — because, although we wish it were different, nothing else in our lives really compares to what we’re going through with this ongoing battle….

yes, the cat went missing and i’m heart broken, also my friend got engaged, and another friend is getting ready to get married and we’ve been celebrating with bridal showers etc, and yes, i am turning 25 soon, yes i am growing in my faith thanks to some wonderful women and a weekly bible study, yes, we were asked to become leaders of our church’s young adults couple’s group, and yes — these things are happening and i’m more than happy to share that… but ultimately, none of it really compares to the depths of our feelings and desire to become pregnant.well – maybe it compares, but if we’ve told you of our struggle, it’s because we want to be able to share it with you and maybe just vent a little and get some support – we don’t want advice or for you to try and fix anything… we just want to know that you care and understand how difficult it is for us.

so, if we seem a little obsessive… please forgive us, but unfortunately this journey requires that you go “all-in” – emotionally and physically.

i would like to mention that all of these things that i endure every month in order to increase my chances – is nothing compared to what other women are enduring while undergoing IUI or IVF — which includes multiple doctor visits and injecting themselves multiple times a month….

next time someone confides in you, with regard to their struggles trying to conceive, remember that it may seem easy for you to think that we are obsessing and should just relax” – however, it is not that simple — and we can’t help that this is something we think about almost 24/7… i know that i am trying my very best to put it out of my mind during the time that i’m not eating, waking up, showering, or bd’ing…. but sometimes it’s a losing battle…. i wish it were possible to “relax” and stop thinking about it for a few days!!!

>Seeing my doctor

>last week was really weird for me – looking back, i feel like i was on auto-pilot the whole time! i had three social “outings” – a ladies bible study, a trip with a friend to get ice-cream, and a bridal shower… but i couldn’t quite participate at 100%… and i left all three of them feeling kinda empty… except the bible study, although i wasn’t really participating, i did tell them about my current cycle debacle, and a few of the girls offered to go with me to the doctor to help me stand up for myself and not feel bullied – which i appreciated so much i can’t even begin to explain!

anyways – because i was feeling bloated, sensitive around the lower abdomen, like there was too much pressure there, and then some weird stomach/chest cramps/pains… i decided to just go to the doctor. finally on wednesday i decided to just go to my regular ob-gyn, since it was time for my yearly anyways… so i called and made an appointment for friday.

when i arrived, i felt great… there was no one in the waiting room besides me, so no pregnant bellies to resent deal with… then the nurse called me back to weigh me, etc….

  1. i could someone’s baby’s heartbeat through the wall/door next to the scale
  2. the nurse was asking me all the usual questions, when was your last period, etc…. then the nurse asked me if this was my first pregnancy — haha…. nice one lady – but i am not pregnant… (turns out, the stupid woman who made the appointment put me down as a new ob patient)
  3. the nurse made me pee in a cup to do a pregnancy test (even though i told her i’d taken a bunch and they were all negative – doesnt she realize i’m pro at this now, i didn’t “do it wrong”)
  4. i went back to sit in the waiting room…and for the first time at a doctors office – i had to fight back tears…why did she have to ask me to take another test…now that evil monster “denial” was back, and i was really hoping it’d be positive
  5. the nurse just came back and sat back down…the receptionist asked if is was positive and she just said “hmmm – hmmmm” – as in the no “hmmm – hmmm”….not the yes kind.
  6. then – the woman who was listening to her baby’s heart beat while i was being weighed, etc – came out… it was clearly her first ob appointment because she was beaming, and not showing, and was getting all kinds of information etc
  7. so, when i am taken back – they stick me in the ultrasound room… insensitive bastards
  8. when the doctor comes in and i tell her what’s happening, basically – she says she’s pretty sure i’m not ovulating and again – offered clomid…
  9. when i asked if there was anything else i could take, she said no (even though the voice in my head was screaming metformin)
  10. i told her i wasn’t ready for clomid, but couldn’t bring myself to question her “authority as a doctor” and ask about metformin
  11. she took blood and prescribed me provera to get my period started (of course i have to wait for my blood test results before I take the provera… just in case)
  12. i cried the whole way home – with the usual, why me – why do i have to struggle, why do i have face all these difficult ethical/faith questions regarding medication, why do “bad” people who clearly shouldn’t have children get pregnant at the drop of a hat, etc etc

so, i’m supposed to be getting my test results back today – to find out if i must take the provera or if i am in fact pregnant. 

i am not even sure if i want to take the provera – since this is my first time missing a period…. is it really necessary? yes – this would have been a great question for my doctor, if i wasn’t such chicken sh**.

(i also realize that i need to start being more assertive… )

also – i’ve been getting positive opk’s… and yes – pcos can cause false positive opk’s… but, there is no real “proof” that i am not ovulating… one missed period does not a non-ovulating woman make….

so – what i’m going to do is find an re and figure out what is going on. i just want to rule out pcos and endometriosis, etc. because i know there are blood tests that can be done to figure out what is happening and of course scans and the such… i am no ready to be completely poked and prodded… but i am ready to find out if i am ovulating or not, and if there is something silly and basic (such as cyst) prohibiting us from getting pregnant…

i’m still trying to decide whether or not to take the provera…

oh – and i’m trying to use other ways to determine if i am ovulating or not, and when…
i am finally charting my basal body temperature (bbt)… and i bought a ovulation scope – which uses saliva to determine if you’re ovulating or not – based on the pattern the saliva forms when dried.. if it looks like ferns, you’re ovulating…. (dont judge me – it was cheaper than the fertility monitor and doesnt require any test sticks…so we figured it was worth a shot)

i will explain what both of these methods entail in another post soon…. along with a rant/vent about how people perceive those of us who have to struggle to get pregnant!!

EDIT:
just got my blood work back – not pregnant…no surprise there, so why am i crying?
guess i’ve got 3 hours to decide whether i’m taking the provera or not…

>Testing my patience/faith

>today is cd50!

no, that is not a typo, it really is cd50!! now, i realize that not everyone who reads my blog is ttc therefore i will try to be a little clearer with what everything means for my journey…
oh – and by the way… i tested this morning and got my fourth bfn of this ridiculously long cycle…there is now only a 1% chance that the tests are wrong and i am indeed pregnant… it’s over.

my usual cycle is 30 days… i used to get af on the same day of every month…. then i was late a couple times, and had a longer cycle – probably because i ovulated late. now i am not quite as regular, but still, 30 day cycles were my norm – with a couple of 40 day cycles thrown in. i’d say about 4 in the last 2 years.

my last cycle was 42 days long. and now… it’s cd50 and i’m still waiting for af. i have never had two long cycles in a row.

the most likely cause of this, is late ovulation, or if af doesn’t arrive at all – possible no ovulation at all. this is a big problem, because you cannot get pregnant if you’re not ovulating!

so now i’m at a bit of a crossroads – what do i do!? someone told me to see my RE the other day… i’ve heard women in the ttc community mention their re’s before…but i’d never really looked up what that meant, i figured it was just a nickname for a doctor…but turns out it is a reproductive endocrinologist. they are ob-gyn’s who have gone to school for longer to specialize in fertility.

confession: i do not have an re.

although – i have now looked some up and am debating whether to just go to my regular ob-gyn this week, or to schedule my first appointment with an re. i’m not exactly sure why, but i am nervous about going to an re. i am scared being bullied into a barrage of tests and diagnoses. also – i already know what my ob-gyn is going to do, she’ll send me for bloodwork probably, and then put me on clomid (Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant). she already wanted to put me on it a year ago, and i was ovulating fine on my own, now, i’m not sure.

i am also feeling really uncomfortable and have been feeling this way for a few days – bloated, crampy, my stomach/bowels don’t seem to know what to do (upset one minute, blocked up the next)… i have been convinced that af is coming numerous times over the past three days… but nothing yet…

i feel like my body is giving up on me – i hate this.

one of my tweeps retweeted a tweet with the link to this article – great read for those who do not fully understand what to do to help those struggling to get pregnant. we understand that it is difficult to understand and know what to do or say… and i’m sure it can get tiresome hearing the same thing over and over again. believe me, we wish we had different news to share other than news of another failed cycle, or how we’re struggling during the two week wait (the time between ovulation and af, when one is going to become either pregnant or not).

i am trying to remember that God is in control and i have nothing to fear… but this 50 day long cycle (and counting) has made it very difficult! i am tired, and worried, and feel like crap.