Category Archives: Uncategorized

a fond farewell

i’d like to give you a quick update on the dilemma with my friends. i emailed the PG friend on friday – and just explained that i need some time to sort through my feelings and absorb the fact that she’s PG. i haven’t heard back yet…

i have over the past couple months truly let go of the urgency to get pregnant…i have given it over to God and fully accept that His timing is better than mine.

however, clearly, i am still having trouble with my feelings of bitterness, jealousy, self-pity, and sadness which have been growing over the past three years. like i said before i have clung onto IF and let myself become a victim… i feel sorry for myself, i feel like no one gets it, i feel like this thing has happened to me and i can’t shake it…. i’ve wallowed in it…. let it consume me.

i am done being the victim.

i am ready to change my mindset altogether – i am ready to shake the past 3 years and move on with my life…. i am ready to make the daily choice to be happy for those who are blessed and to no longer get angry about what i do not have, and instead be hopeful for what is to come.

a pregnant belly used to represent what i would one day have…hope for the future…

i’ve let it become a reminder of what i do not have and let myself feel like i deserve it more because i’ve wanted it for so long… when this is not the case. just because i’ve wanted something for SO long, does not mean that i am any more deserving that anyone else.

this journey is going to take lots of time, patience, prayer, and self-control… but i am determined to get me back.

so…. in the hopes of being able to do this for once and for all… i am no longer going to be blogging on this account… and i will be deleting my twitter account….

i am going to let go of IF and take back everything it has taken from me…

i am hoping to “come out of the IF closet” on my “real” blog – because i do believe that these past 3 years have taught me something, and there is a purpose for all of this… so i will continue to try and educate people about the reality of IF and RPL Because i have the utmost respect for each of you whom are struggling through these things… it’s not easy…

i am also SO very thankful for all the friendships i’ve made in the blogosphere and twitterverse… i’ll be forever grateful for the support and encouragement you’ve given me – and i will continue to check in on you via your blogs and email. i pray that each of you is able to find peace and that you each get your happy ending soon!! although i do not believe i deserve it any more than anyone else does- you ladies (with all the prodding, sticking, dates with wandy, adoption red-tape, losses…) certainly do!

and with that, i bid you a very fond farewell.

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Heartache

i had one of the worst nights of my life last night…

i have what i suspect is a kidney infection — i’m being treated for a uti, so hopefully the anti.biotics will do the trick. anyways, i cried so much last night that i made my kidneys hurt so bad i contemplated going to the emergency room.

but, as the title of this post suggests, not only did my kidneys hurt like hell, but my heart was broken and still aches…

i’ve mentioned my ladies bible study group before i think, but in short — they’ve been wonderful sources of support for me. i opened up about our struggles right away and i’ve shared all the things i’ve struggled with — baby showers, pregnancy announcements, pregnant women who come across as insensitive…i’ve shared it all — and they’ve always made me feel loved and supported…like, when we do get pregnant… they’ll totally understand exactly what that means for us, and what a blessing it will be!!

last night…

one of the ladies announced that she is 5.5 weeks pregnant*.

now, what i’m about to write may seem selfish…and yes, maybe it is… but it’s how i feel and i’m not proud of it…

not one of the ladies even looked at me, no one took me aside and asked me if i was okay… so…. they don’t get it, like i thought they did.

i didn’t even know they were ttc… it would have been nice to have gotten some kind of heads up… you know? i felt completely blind sided.. like a freight train had hit me.

immediately everyone was talking about sonograms and how much they wanted to be there the whole way, like know all the details, etc…

i got up to use the bathroom before leaving, and had to actively think about anything else to keep from crying right there. luckily i was able to only cry a little wait until i got in the car to drive home.

now – don’t get me wrong…. i am happy for them….but this hurts because it reminds me of what we don’t have, even though we’ve wanted it for almost 3 years… and they just decided a month ago that they were ready to start a family…and bam… pregnant.

BUT….what hurts more, is the realization that these ladies- my only friends in this country besides dh… just do not get it….

i felt/feel so alone… now, i have a great best friend who 100% gets it … not because she’s had the same difficulty, but because she loves me and she actively “went out and got it”. she read up on how to be supportive, she’s just awesome. but – she lives in another country. i have my mom, who is also awesome…but she too lives in that other country. i have great support from twitter ladies… but they too don’t live nearby…

and now…i have to figure out how to “deal with” and “cope with” non-stop pregnancy talk… and then not have my closest friends there to offer their support and prayers… because i can’t very well go to them and ask them to pray for me because i’m having difficulty hearing about a friends pregnancy all the time…or the fact that i feel almost betrayed by my friends… because they’ve been able to “say the right things” and make me feel supported and understood… but this has made it clear that they just don’t understand.

when my previous church friends weren’t there for me when i was having difficulty with family, i ran… i just up and stopped talking to them (and for the record – it wasn’t really their fault)…that’s what i want to do now.

i want to stop going to the bible study… i want to avoid all of them…

seriously, at this point…i don’t even care about getting pregnant anymore…

i     just     want     these      feelings       to        go     away

i want to be able to hear someone announce their pregnancy and know how to react appropriately, how i would react if it weren’t for the past 3 years….

i want to be honest to God excited for other people’s blessings and know how to show/express it….

i want to not feel alienated, alone, and hurt when those closest to me don’t know how to be there for me.

i don’t want to be selfish and expect everyone’s first thought to be about how something will affect me.

and i wish i could take my own advice from my previous blog post… but i don’t know how to tell this wonderful person that her blessing makes my heart ache.

i hate this, i hate myself a little for feeling like this!!

 

*since it is very early…please keep her in your prayers/thoughts…

difficult lessons

[for those who don’t know…my sil read my last post and we have since spoken about everything and sorted everything out]

i don’t often give advice to those who read my blog…but, i’m about to

we are so used to people being ignorant and not understanding what we’re feeling, or going through, that we often dont even take the time to share our experiences honestly and allow them the opportunity to learn and grow from our pain.

if someone in your life says something off hand that hurts your feelings — especially if it is someone you really care about…. rather than brush it off (and heaven forbid… vent about it on twitter and your blog)…. why not try to help the person understand how their comment makes you feel.

you don’t have to do it immediately… especially if you’re too upset to deal with it in a positive manner…

but, don’t just assume that the person doesn’t care, or assume that it would upset them if you spoke to them about what they said.

at the end of the day – you could help someone else better understand infertility…and at the end of the day…isn’t that all we want? for others to just “get it”… (and of course to get pregnant…we want that too)

it’s the one thing i know we are grateful for… with regard to what this journey has given us — perspective, understanding, and compassion. well – we shouldn’t be selfish and we shouldn’t try to make that enlightenment exclusive…we should be trying to spread the knowledge and understanding… to help as many people – fertile, infertile, undecided – “get it” as possible. [i realize that not everyone will accept what we have to say… but we should at least try]

i truly regret being afraid to say anything to my PG SIL about how her comment hurt me. she totally “gets it” now… what i should have done is referred her to this blog, so she could get a real sense of where i am at…and now i know, if she ever says anything that is upsetting, i can 100% go to her and point out how it makes me feel. the lines of communication are now wide open, and i’m so grateful…now i have another person on my side…another person who really gets it and is there for me all the way! (she always was… but now she can be there for me the way i need her to be, because she knows where i’m coming from now, and i know that i can talk to her about it openly and honestly – without hurting her feelings or upsetting her).

people just do not get it

because i have let go (as much as i can) — i have not had a ttc related break down for a few months now…

do not get me wrong — it’s not any easier to deal with the fact that we’ve tried so long without falling pregnant… it’s still not easy to see others fall pregnant with apparent ease…it’s still not easy to hear others gush over their pregnancies when i’ve wanted what they have for almost three years….
it still hurts….
but, i am in a better emotional place… i don’t cry when af arrives anymore… and without all the obsessing… life is better.
the only time i have cried recently with regard to something ttc related was when i felt that someone was insensitive… someone i would expect to be more understanding and sensitive…and she said something that stabbed at the heart of something that has been really difficult for me to let go…my mom coming to visit in the hopes of meeting a grandchild.
as i wrote in the above linked post, the thought that my mom would be coming out and we would not in fact have a grandchild for her to meet… and then knowing that she wouldn’t be able to come out again – when we do in fact have a baby – is gut-wrenching and makes my heart ache. i want to fall to pieces when i think about it.
so – now, instead of my mom coming to visit us next year, we are going to visit her for Christmas. she is going to pay for one flight. my sil and i were talking about it, and she said that although mom offered to pay for their tickets too, she would rather have mom visit them when the baby is born….
now – i know that not everyone understands how i feel about every little thing, and i do not expect everyone to put my feelings first and above theirs. especially pregnant woman – they are going through a very exciting time in their lives and i do not expect them to walk on egg shells around me.
but – at the end of the day… i broke down. it hurt so bad for someone i love to point out that the one thing i wanted more than anything in the world was true for her and not true for me. my mom will be flying out to meet their baby…and unfortunately, us flying out to see her over Christmas is the best its going to get for us right now, because in all likelihood, we will not have a baby for her to meet in the summer of 2012.
i’m not angry anymore, i am still a little hurt… but i understand that my feelings were not hurt on purpose.
and…of course, i am so excited to see not only my mom, but my dad, my step mom, the rest of my family (many who will be visiting from other countries also), and friends!
also – dh told me that no matter what…we will make a plan to have my mom visit when we do have a baby. my mom also said that she would have to make a plan… so it is not entirely impossible to imagine that she will in fact be here when we have a baby. it may not be next summer… but it will be.
i hope, and pray, that letting go will eventually help me to be less sensitive to other’s words and actions. especially when it is obvious that their intentions are not bad. i feel bad for the way i ended my conversation with my sil… but, at the end of the day – i acknowledge that she is happy and excited (as am i, for her), so i think it’s only fair for my feelings to be acknowledged also. it hurt. i’m over it now, but at the time – it really hurt.
there is no instruction manual on how to feel and how to act – for those suffering with infertility and there is no manual for their family and friends either. it’s not easy, for anyone involved.

Letting Go

CD6

i can’t believe i have gone through a whole cycle without blogging… and yes – that also means that i did not get overly obsessed!

now – I have had a lot on mind in the ttc/IF department, so i’m going to do something that Mo would love! i’m going to do a bulleted list of the things i’ve had on my mind.

  • i am coming up to my last year of my degree… which will mean that in about a year from now, i will begin student teaching, for 3 months… without being paid.
  • getting pregnant between now and then would make things quite difficult and complicated… however – we still want to be pregnant sooner, rather than later – we are not going on a ttc break.
  • because the timing wouldn’t be great right now, we are also not looking into going to an RE… we want to be pregnant, but the rush and urgency is no longer there…
  • for right now, we’re going to try and get our bd timing right…also, that way – if we do need to see an RE in the future, we know that we really need to
  • i say this, because i’ve been feeling like i have grabbed a hold of the infertility label without any real “proof” of fertility issues.
  • i still the same frustrations and pain that the women in the IF community feel…however, i have not had any miscarriages (thank God), i do not have a diagnosis (fine – maybe i would have one if i actually went to an RE…but as of now, i don’t), i’ve only recently started tracking my cycle, so who knows whether our timing has been right all these years…
  • i clung to being a victim because it matched my feelings…i felt like a victim of infertility… i was (and still am) angry that so many others were getting pregnant so easily while i have wanted to be pregnant for so long… i became frustrated by all the useless advice i was being given… i felt like we were doing everything right but getting no results
  • phew…that was difficult to admit
okay, so that’s where we are at… we are still trying…but i am no longer obsessing – so much in fact, that i am not drinking the right amount of water daily (before i would feel horribly guilty if i did not drink enough water..thinking it could be a reason for our struggles), i am drinking as much coffee as i like (i still want to give up caffeine again, for general health purposes), i am no long POAS (opk’s or hpt’s), and i constantly forget to take my prenatal multivitamin (again, i used to feel super guilty for forgetting, so much so that i would get out of bed to take it if i realized i had forgotten).
i am still tracking my bbt… and we are trying to time our bding right, so we can figure out if that has been our issue in the past. and, so that if we decide to see an RE, it can be with confidence that we need help…right now, i do not feel that we have given it enough effort on our own.
there it is…
where we are at right now…

a glimpse into our reality

CD26

DPO11

one thing i don’t think fertile people realize, is all the “baby” stuff that we’ve considered over the years of ttc — i think it’s natural for any couple who is ttc to start “planning” for baby…. “when we’re pregnant we will need to….” “when baby comes we should….” etc. But, when you’ve been ttc for 2+ years… it’s a lot of time to plan.

now – imagine you have an idea of

  • how you’re going to design the nursery
  • boy and girl names for baby
  • how you’re going to document baby’s life
  • how you’d like maternity pics to be taken
  • how you’d like newborn pics to be taken
  • baby shower ideas maybe
  • etc etc
then… a dozen people get pregnant before you….
chances are – any number of the above mentioned items will be “taken”… the worst being baby names of course. i’ve always loved the name aidan – but, my exboyfriend named his son that – so now it is out of the question. for me – one of the worst things is the photograph ideas…
i love to take photos and have been trying to grow and improve. i’ve been paying close attention to newborn and maternity shoots for ages now – getting ideas, etc.
i have some pretty nifty equipment for taking pics at home and have been excited to get the opportunity to take some great pics myself… rather than hiring someone or going somewhere, etc…
then of course – the “mom” from “The Couple” did that with her newborn… she made headbands and took some “semi-professional” looking pictures.
i don’t care what people think – but there is nothing worse than having people think you’re “copying” something they did…when in fact…. you know that you’ve had it “in the works” for years!! eugh!
sorry if this seems petty… but not only is it frustrating, because now “it’s been done”…but it’s also frustrating and painful to watch someone getting to do something you’ve been SO excited to do for years!
*sigh
well – this is our reality… and I’m actually okay with it – you get used to it i guess, and it gets easier (especially when you avoid the people who are doing all the things you’re longing to do…)

Social Networking Hiatus

CD9

Okay – I feel so out of the loop…yet, free.

Hi – my name is Sherrie, and I am a recovering compulsive social-networking site checker.

On Thursday evening last week, I decided that I wanted to take a break from twitter and facebook – to be fully present in my own life and not be so caught up in what other people are doing or not doing, getting or not getting, having or not having, being or not being…

I despise facebook – so the break from there is welcomed and very refreshing – (I do intend to delete it altogether soon).

However, twitter has become a second home for me – my tweeps, my second-family. I am itching to log in and see if anyone was blessed with a BFP… there are many woman whom I have been praying for, and am very anxious to know how their 2WW have been, etc…

I also feel guilty, and selfish – for taking this break…. I am doing it for me. Because I need to focus on being positive and not let myself get so involved with other people’s lives right now. However, these people have been there for me, and now, if they need support – I am not there for them…

I hope my tweeps understand that they are still in my thoughts and prayers – and I hope they are all doing well!! 🙂 For those of you who have blogs…I will be making my rounds now – and for those of you who do not — please drop me a line and let me know how you’re doing!! 🙂

Tomorrow the opk-fun begins… I’m staying hopeful, but DH and I will be having a serious discussion soon regarding next steps… whether or not to take a break… or whether to look into iui…..

It’s scary… but empowering – Mo, you are right… having timelines is never healthy, and if this is something we want now we need to figure out what we are willing to sacrifice or do in order to pursue that!!

Please keep us in your thoughts, and prayers, as we contemplate our future and hope for a +opk! 🙂

round two goes to….IF

CD3

yup – that’s right… my previous cycle is over – it ended with a BFN.

after getting a BFN on friday morning – i woke up on satureday morning and my temperature had dropped well below my coverline…. which meant impending af.

so – when she arrived very late that night – i was well prepared… (DH was not home all evening, he had a soccer game to go to)

after a day keeping busy with errands and holding back tears, by evening i had drunk most of a bottle wine to myself (and i do not drink often anymore… very very rarely in fact)… and spent the evening avoiding the obvious (did school work, played some kinect – dance central-, started reading a new book, did a page of my scrapbook), except for the moment where i mistakenly chose to reply to an old friend’s email – not only do i miss his friendship a great deal (because he lives across the ocean), but i decided to share a little bit of our struggle with him… after that much wine… not such a good idea. but – it let me face reality for a little bit…

i dont even know where to begin to explain or express how i feel about all of this…

  • i realized sometime this weekend that we cannot just keep trying to get pregnant… because i have to student teach for 3 months next year, and there is a bit of a deadline – so i can’t have just given birth right before i’m supposed to start student teaching, and i can also not be 6-9 months pregnant when i start student teaching. not to mention that i can’t be pregnant right after student teaching – who is going to hire a new teacher who is “about to burst forth a baby”?
  • so – i’ve figured that we only have 3 more cycles to go before we need to take a years break from TTC.

so there are a few reasons why this absolutely guts me —

  • my mother (whom i haven’t seen in 3.5 years because she lives so far away) is planning on coming to visit next year… ideally to meet a new baby, but also just to visit – while she is financially able to. This will be, in all likelihood, the last time she’ll be able to come out… and the thought of her coming out, and us not having a baby for her to meet is so upsetting it breaks my heart a little more each time I think about it. (and yes, it hurts and makes me sad that she will be meeting a different grandchild when she visits my bro & SIL before coming here)
  • a year off doesn’t sound so bad, and i’ve often thought about taking a break – because this is so emotionally draining… however, by the time we will start trying again, i will 26.5 years old and best case scenario… 27 when i have our first baby (yes – i know, that’s not old)… and although that does not really mean anything – it does mean that we have lost 5 years – when we could already have two children… i do not want to have children after i am 35 years old…and i want 3-4 children (with my family being so far away, and DH’s family being so bizarre – we want our immediate family to be big enough to support one another and get a good sense of what family means).
  • maybe i am being too greedy – i should just worry about having one healthy baby, and not be so concerned with how many children i want by a certain age… but – when you start to realize that your dreams are in jeopardy of not coming true – that’s a difficult pill to swallow.

i am trying to let go…

i really am.

i want to be satisfied to wait and fully trust God to fulfill my dreams and the desires of my heart… but at the moment i can’t help but feel sad, jealous, angry, frustrated, alone, like i need to hold it together and pretend to be okay for everyone else.

i dont think that wanting a baby is a selfish thing to want… it’s not self-serving, it’s not greedy, it has nothing to do with pride… why is it then that i fear that this is something i need to let go of because God is trying to teach me an important lesson about trust? i do believe that His timing is perfect, and He knows more than i do about what is best for me… but, we are also called to ask for what we want… and to do so with the belief and understanding that it will be given..i think finding that balance is what is causing me so much conflict…

this cycle is the last clomid cylce i will be doing before going to an RE – but we wanted to wait until september before going to an RE, and I guess now we’ll just wait until next year… if we’re not PG before then.

my clomid dosage is doubling…which scares me, because i had so much cramping this past cycle – and knowing that the dose is double, leads me to believe it will be worse – along with the hot flashes, mood swings, fatigue, etc…

needless to say – i do not have much hope left…i’m hoping to be able to find it after posting this – there is a lot that i’m struggling with right now and i’m trying to not suffocate under it all…

i promise that i will move on soon… and find some things to be happy about and thankful for (i am thankful for a lot of things, and have been praying about them daily). i promise not to dwell on all the “what ifs” that i’ve mentioned in this post… i promise to deal with this, and find my footing again.

good news blues

11dpo

cd26

i am almost at the end of my 2ww… and up until a few days ago, i felt very hopeful. things seemed to be in our favor this month – ovulation took place at the perfect time in our bd schedule… we were able to bd the morning after the +opk, and happened to have bd’ed the night before we got the +opk….

then, a bunch of tweeps (twitter peeps) who really deserved and needed bfp’s got bfn’s instead…. that really dented my hopes, and my heart ached (and still aches) for them, and the reality of a bfn hit me… this may not be the cycle…

so – had a very difficult weekend… was cramping a lot, and just felt lethargic… did not want to get off the couch… had an “unexplained” crying fit… which is something i’ve experience a lot since our ttc journey began..

it’s when one just busts out in tears without any warning or apparent reason. hubby can tease me about something small or just me a look, and there will be a rush of snot and tears, and often hiccups too…which one cannot control, even when i know how ridiculous it is, and almost laugh at myself, i just cry harder… ridiculous, i know.

now i’m going to share something… and i really hope that the people this involves do not mind me blogging about it, but this blog is completely anonymous, so i know that this will not “get out”… if you read this… let me know, and i’ll remove what i’m about to write about.

my brother and “sil” called me earlier this week to share that they are pregnant…. now…. first i want to just say – i was the one that consistently encouraged them to start ttc… i was behind them 100% and still am… i am over the moon excited and happy for them. but…. it did bury any kind of hope i had left for this cycle… let me explain.

the idea of being pregnant at the same time as my “sil” is so perfect and would make all of this waiting worth it…. but because it would be so awesome and perfect, makes it seem all that more unlikely… i’ve never wanted it more than i want it now. to have someone i love to share this experience with… what a blessing that would be.

dh told me that maybe that’s just it… maybe this is the perfect time God has been saving this blessing for…? but, the thought that it may not be, is so gut wrenching that it seems to physically hurt!

and, of course, there is always going to be that part of me that hurts and is sad because they’re getting what we’ve wanted for so long, and that fact alone brings up a gargantuan heap of guilt and sadness…because this is family, and i really am happy for them! i swear it! seeing how happy they are and picturing my brother as a dad – wow… what exciting news!

i spoke to my mom the next day…

she has been such a great pillar of support for me, i can call her anytime and talk to her for over an hour – even if i have nothing specific to say or talk about… and she never complains or brushes me off. to admit to her that i was sad that day, made me even more sad and feel even more guilty – because she should be able to be excited and enjoy this wonderful news without having to console her “broken” daughter.

i hate this.

i hate that IF has seeped its way into my family.

i hate that no one understands (except the IF community).

i hate that its about so much more than just waiting to POAS and get a BFP.

i hate that we have to deal with this at all.

but

all of that being said…

i would not trade IF for anything… because as hard as all of this is, i would rather go through this and have a very real sense of how special and what a blessing pregnancy is, than be an ignorant (and i mean that in the best way) fertile. i know that IF has made me stronger, my marriage stronger, and i’ve met so many wonderful people because of it.

i have never really had a moment where i’ve felt that God has spoken to me… never that is, until yesterday…

i was driving home and praying in gratitude (suggestion from mom)…thanking God for all the things i’m grateful for… when i started praying for my brother and “sil”… i was thanking God that they didn’t have to deal with problems getting pregnant…

when i felt an overwhelming sense of realization…

i get so upset when people get it easy… why is it so easy for some people? they are so lucky, and really do not even realize how lucky they are, because unless you’ve been on the flip side, you don’t truly get it

but – i would not wish IF on my worst enemy, because it is so painful and difficult…

so – why do i get upset at other people’s good news..? the alternative is that they have trouble ttc…which i wouldn’t wish on anyone…

of course – yes, i get sad because of my struggles, not because of their success…

but – this realization has made me see things in a completely new light… when i get upset, i’m just feeling sorry for myself, and that’s ridiculous – because, as i said – i’m grateful for IF….

okay – i know this post is getting awfully long…i apologize, but i have a lot to get off my chest…

last night – i had severe af-like cramps. sometimes i wake up in the middle of night because of cramps and i know – af has arrived… but – nope, she hadn’t…

i have never had such bad cramps without af being present…so, of course, i googled it – quite a few women experience severe-af like cramps before they get their bfp’s… so – i am hopeful again…

of course – there is a chance that something is wrong, and that’s why i have cramps and no af – but i’m trusting God that either af is on her way, or i am in fact pregnant….

i will test on friday… when af is due….

welcome

so here it is… my “new” blog (really same old blog, new site and new look)…

let me know what you think… and if you have any suggestions, don’t like something, or have something you’d like to see on here that isn’t on here — let me know! 🙂

i’m excited to join the wordpress family! 🙂