Category Archives: Cycle News

Letting Go

CD6

i can’t believe i have gone through a whole cycle without blogging… and yes – that also means that i did not get overly obsessed!

now – I have had a lot on mind in the ttc/IF department, so i’m going to do something that Mo would love! i’m going to do a bulleted list of the things i’ve had on my mind.

  • i am coming up to my last year of my degree… which will mean that in about a year from now, i will begin student teaching, for 3 months… without being paid.
  • getting pregnant between now and then would make things quite difficult and complicated… however – we still want to be pregnant sooner, rather than later – we are not going on a ttc break.
  • because the timing wouldn’t be great right now, we are also not looking into going to an RE… we want to be pregnant, but the rush and urgency is no longer there…
  • for right now, we’re going to try and get our bd timing right…also, that way – if we do need to see an RE in the future, we know that we really need to
  • i say this, because i’ve been feeling like i have grabbed a hold of the infertility label without any real “proof” of fertility issues.
  • i still the same frustrations and pain that the women in the IF community feel…however, i have not had any miscarriages (thank God), i do not have a diagnosis (fine – maybe i would have one if i actually went to an RE…but as of now, i don’t), i’ve only recently started tracking my cycle, so who knows whether our timing has been right all these years…
  • i clung to being a victim because it matched my feelings…i felt like a victim of infertility… i was (and still am) angry that so many others were getting pregnant so easily while i have wanted to be pregnant for so long… i became frustrated by all the useless advice i was being given… i felt like we were doing everything right but getting no results
  • phew…that was difficult to admit
okay, so that’s where we are at… we are still trying…but i am no longer obsessing – so much in fact, that i am not drinking the right amount of water daily (before i would feel horribly guilty if i did not drink enough water..thinking it could be a reason for our struggles), i am drinking as much coffee as i like (i still want to give up caffeine again, for general health purposes), i am no long POAS (opk’s or hpt’s), and i constantly forget to take my prenatal multivitamin (again, i used to feel super guilty for forgetting, so much so that i would get out of bed to take it if i realized i had forgotten).
i am still tracking my bbt… and we are trying to time our bding right, so we can figure out if that has been our issue in the past. and, so that if we decide to see an RE, it can be with confidence that we need help…right now, i do not feel that we have given it enough effort on our own.
there it is…
where we are at right now…

quick update

CD9

okay – so AF arrived as expected…

and surprisingly – i did not even shed a tear… i came close at one point.. but really didn’t experience anytime of emotional breakdown. which, considering that cycle was the last clomid cycle, is surprising.

i do not know how to explain it – but, i am at peace. i even forgot to take my prenatal vitamin a few times, have had coffee without freaking myself out…i am just living…

i feel that i am slowly but surely letting go and releasing this to God.

i am a little nervous about this cycle, only because (Testing my patience/faith” href=”https://ttcinfaith.wordpress.com/2011/04/25/testing-my-patiencefaith/”>as you may remember) before my first cycle on clomid i had to go on provera in order to force AF to arrive – which was probably caused by a lack of ovulation…

at the moment, we’re just taking things slow and seeing what happens – with persistent prayers for a healthy natural cycle. DH mentioned the possibility of doing IUI sooner rather than later, in the hopes of becoming successfully PG in time for my mom to be able to meet a new grandbaby when she visits next year… but i’m not sure yet…

i am in such a good, positive place – the thought of all the monitoring and “hoo-ha” that comes with fertility treatments, i’m not sure i want to disrupt my current emotional happiness.

so – here we are…

i am not even using OPKs this month – we’re just going to try to stick to a good BD routine and monitor whether ovulation occures with my bbt chart. oh – and i’ll go for a massage every week until ovulation occurs i think. i went for one during the week of ovulation last cycle – and i think it helped keep me relaxed for my 2WW.

i’ll let you know how we do.

hope this finds each of you well and happy!!

and the final round goes to….

infertility?

CD29 / CD1 (we’ll see how the day ends)

when i wrote my last post – some stuff was happening, and because i didn’t want to jinx anything, i didn’t write/blog about it. i needn’t have worried.

so – on thursday (at 11DPO) my temperature dipped below my coverline (which was kinda high this month for some reason). for those of you who have no idea what that means … i will try to explain.

at the beginning of your cycle your body is producing estrogen, and this makes your bbt (basal body temperature – basically your body temperature at rest) lower at the beginning of your cycle.

once ovulation occurs, your body begins to produce progesterone, so your bbt will rise significantly the morning after ovulation occurs (your temperature has to stay high for three consecutive days to confirm ovulation and to make sure the temperature rise is because of the hormones and not because of environmental factors or illness etc).

once your temp has risen and stayed high, you can determine what your “coverline” temperature is – this is the temperature that divides your low temps and your high temps.

some people experience a temp dip below their coverline at implantation – around 10dpo. but then your temperature will rise again and stay above your coverline. right before af arrives, your temp will significantly drop (due to the lack of progesterone and the beginning of a new cycle and the production of estrogen again).

okay – for those of you who have stuck it out and now that the bbt lesson is over…

so, like i said, on thursday at 11dpo, my temperature dipped below the coverline, and because it was too early for af (cd26) i thought that maybe it was implantation, and cue obsession…

i had been 100% not obsessed this cycle (as i wrote in my previous post) and felt kinda neutral about this cycle – but once there was a possible implication of implantation, i began to obsess a little and was hopeful again…

then – the next morning (12dpo) my temperature was exactly the same. so – i consulted dr google – apparently two day implantation dips are more common than you’d think. so – i clung to that hope.

after the third morning of this same temperature – fertility friend (the website and app i use to chart my bbt) lowered my coverline. apparently the few higher temps i had before ovulation were random high temps and therefore my coverline had been predicted too high.

so – i kind of lost some hope – but hey – having no implantation dip was better than having af on her way…

lo and behold – this morning (CD29, 14DPO) my temperature dipped 0.9 degrees Fahrenheit; way below my coverline. which means that af will show up within the next 24 hours or so.

now i can no longer completely trust my bbt chart – although at the end of the day, the bbt chart is the most accurate record of what my body is doing – i cannot obsess over anything that it indicates… except that significant rise after ovulation, and the significant drop before af.

i am disappointed – especially since we really timed things well this month…

however, i don’t feel like i’m going to fall apart this time. i am really finding peace in my faith and letting go and letting God.i am okay with waiting… and it really is not the end of the world.

i have not been diagnosed with any fertility problems, neither has DH – so we have no reason to doubt. granted, we haven’t been tested for problems – but until we do – we really shouldn’t be stressed out or worried about whether or not it’s going to happen for us. we just need to continue timing things right and if we still have trouble after about a year of “good timing” – then we will go and get checked out and possibly try some fertility treatments. that is, unless i have issues ovulating again without the clomid, since this month was my last dose.

so – if you pray, please pray that my body cooperates and functions effectively without the medication- specifically i need to ovulate.

if you don’t pray – please just keep us in your thoughts and send some positive energy our way in a couple of weeks! 🙂

i’m so very excited for a wonderful woman of faith who recently got her BFP… please keep her in your thoughts/prayers also – just pray for a happy and healthy pregnancy that sticks! You can read her story here.

i am going to return to twitter for the day – then i am likely going to delete my twitter account… i’m using google+ now, under my real name – so if you’re on google+ and would like to connect on there – let me know and i’ll email you my real name. 🙂 i will still keep updated on everyone’s journeys via blogs.

trust issues

CD24

9DPO

so, i’m almost through with my 2WW… not feeling as crazy as i usually feel… have no symptoms, phantom or real. but i have had some mild cramping, so i am expecting AF to show her face – hopefully this time she will wait until AFTER the wedding i am attending this weekend (2 months ago she arrived during the reception of a friends wedding). that is – of course- if she has to arrive at all.

 

i feel pretty at peace about this cycle – but i have felt that way in the past, and then when AF arrives – it all goes to hell and i just fall apart as usual. but, i am hoping and praying that this time, the peace is for real and it lasts. i have nothing left to lose – and i’m at the point where all i can do is let go and trust God.

i got a hair cut this afternoon – quite a drastic change…but loving it. i feel like it’s lifted my spirits – like, shedding all my hair has been symbolic of me shedding all the pain and fear of the past year or so… and i am ready for whatever the future holds for us.

don’t get me wrong — i am still a bitter infertile… but i’m feeling a bit more like myself and i feel like i can take on whatever the future holds with a positive attitude.

i read this on someone’s blog or something a few weeks ago –

‘if we can trust God with eternity, then we can trust Him with our now’

i am trying to remember that everyday and learning to let go and trust…

good news blues

11dpo

cd26

i am almost at the end of my 2ww… and up until a few days ago, i felt very hopeful. things seemed to be in our favor this month – ovulation took place at the perfect time in our bd schedule… we were able to bd the morning after the +opk, and happened to have bd’ed the night before we got the +opk….

then, a bunch of tweeps (twitter peeps) who really deserved and needed bfp’s got bfn’s instead…. that really dented my hopes, and my heart ached (and still aches) for them, and the reality of a bfn hit me… this may not be the cycle…

so – had a very difficult weekend… was cramping a lot, and just felt lethargic… did not want to get off the couch… had an “unexplained” crying fit… which is something i’ve experience a lot since our ttc journey began..

it’s when one just busts out in tears without any warning or apparent reason. hubby can tease me about something small or just me a look, and there will be a rush of snot and tears, and often hiccups too…which one cannot control, even when i know how ridiculous it is, and almost laugh at myself, i just cry harder… ridiculous, i know.

now i’m going to share something… and i really hope that the people this involves do not mind me blogging about it, but this blog is completely anonymous, so i know that this will not “get out”… if you read this… let me know, and i’ll remove what i’m about to write about.

my brother and “sil” called me earlier this week to share that they are pregnant…. now…. first i want to just say – i was the one that consistently encouraged them to start ttc… i was behind them 100% and still am… i am over the moon excited and happy for them. but…. it did bury any kind of hope i had left for this cycle… let me explain.

the idea of being pregnant at the same time as my “sil” is so perfect and would make all of this waiting worth it…. but because it would be so awesome and perfect, makes it seem all that more unlikely… i’ve never wanted it more than i want it now. to have someone i love to share this experience with… what a blessing that would be.

dh told me that maybe that’s just it… maybe this is the perfect time God has been saving this blessing for…? but, the thought that it may not be, is so gut wrenching that it seems to physically hurt!

and, of course, there is always going to be that part of me that hurts and is sad because they’re getting what we’ve wanted for so long, and that fact alone brings up a gargantuan heap of guilt and sadness…because this is family, and i really am happy for them! i swear it! seeing how happy they are and picturing my brother as a dad – wow… what exciting news!

i spoke to my mom the next day…

she has been such a great pillar of support for me, i can call her anytime and talk to her for over an hour – even if i have nothing specific to say or talk about… and she never complains or brushes me off. to admit to her that i was sad that day, made me even more sad and feel even more guilty – because she should be able to be excited and enjoy this wonderful news without having to console her “broken” daughter.

i hate this.

i hate that IF has seeped its way into my family.

i hate that no one understands (except the IF community).

i hate that its about so much more than just waiting to POAS and get a BFP.

i hate that we have to deal with this at all.

but

all of that being said…

i would not trade IF for anything… because as hard as all of this is, i would rather go through this and have a very real sense of how special and what a blessing pregnancy is, than be an ignorant (and i mean that in the best way) fertile. i know that IF has made me stronger, my marriage stronger, and i’ve met so many wonderful people because of it.

i have never really had a moment where i’ve felt that God has spoken to me… never that is, until yesterday…

i was driving home and praying in gratitude (suggestion from mom)…thanking God for all the things i’m grateful for… when i started praying for my brother and “sil”… i was thanking God that they didn’t have to deal with problems getting pregnant…

when i felt an overwhelming sense of realization…

i get so upset when people get it easy… why is it so easy for some people? they are so lucky, and really do not even realize how lucky they are, because unless you’ve been on the flip side, you don’t truly get it

but – i would not wish IF on my worst enemy, because it is so painful and difficult…

so – why do i get upset at other people’s good news..? the alternative is that they have trouble ttc…which i wouldn’t wish on anyone…

of course – yes, i get sad because of my struggles, not because of their success…

but – this realization has made me see things in a completely new light… when i get upset, i’m just feeling sorry for myself, and that’s ridiculous – because, as i said – i’m grateful for IF….

okay – i know this post is getting awfully long…i apologize, but i have a lot to get off my chest…

last night – i had severe af-like cramps. sometimes i wake up in the middle of night because of cramps and i know – af has arrived… but – nope, she hadn’t…

i have never had such bad cramps without af being present…so, of course, i googled it – quite a few women experience severe-af like cramps before they get their bfp’s… so – i am hopeful again…

of course – there is a chance that something is wrong, and that’s why i have cramps and no af – but i’m trusting God that either af is on her way, or i am in fact pregnant….

i will test on friday… when af is due….

one step at a time

the couple that i have blogged about here and here had their baby…

now – i am not a bad person (i do not believe so anyway), and i try not speak badly of others (slander, etc) but … for the purpose of my sanity (and to maybe give fertile people some insight into how those struggling feel, etc) i am going to share what that day was like for me…

i am not sure if i am the only one who does this – but, even though i knew it was going to be difficult for me – i constantly checked facebook to see updates of the birth of this baby…

i do not like to be upset by it all … i do not want to feel sorry for myself … then why do i do it? i had previously blocked updates from this couple, to spare the heartache… but then i was in a good place, and unblocked them…

perhaps, this curiosity stemmed from the need to know that everything went well (i was praying for her)…

whatever the reason – i was checking facebook…

however – i got a lot more than i bargained for… she updated during labor to share how dilated she was, and an image of the baby was posted on facebook for the world to see within minutes of her birth….

am i the only one who thinks this is INSANE? i’m not going to go into what i think exactly, because i really don’t like to “put people down” … but… really?

anyways…

last night i checked facebook – to see a pic that ‘the dad’ put on facebook of the baby’s footprints… i realized that he has a daughter… and (for the second time that day actually) i felt the tears coming…

i left the room – to “do some school work” have a good cry… (i didn’t want dh to see me) and remembered that i hadn’t done an opk yet…so i poas and went to my office to set up my laptop to do school work convince dh that i was just going to do some work… when he went to the bathroom…

when he came out, he had a grin on his face… i asked him if there was a smiley face… and he said yes- i didn’t believe him… but…..

yes!!! it was positive!!! I was BEYOND excited… (i got a little glimpse into what it might feel like to get a bfp preg. test)… i even took a photo… yes… of a positive ovulation test…. (please don’t judge me)…

so.. not only did i ovulate… but dh and i did a great job of sticking to the bd-schedule this week!!

even if we don’t get our bfp this cycle…

  • af arrived on her own
  • af arrived on CD28 – well, it was CD1 of course…but you know what i mean
  • i ovulated!!!

next step – fertilization and implantation…. but – either way, i praise God for these small (actually kinda big) victories!!

and so…my two week wait begins!! (the first one where i am sure the opk was +, bec it was digital…so, i feel like it’s my first real 2ww!!)

p.s.: i have also been trying to put on weight… i am 5′ 4″ and weighed 110lbs…. slightly underweight… so i’ve been drinking a shake everyday to help me gain some weight, and i’ve been trying to eat more,etc… this is not the first time i’ve tried to put on weight, and i’ve never had any luck… but – i weighed myself this evening… 116lbs! woohoo!! 🙂 apparently – you need body fat to produce estrogen.. so it’s important to have a little body fat in order to conceive… so- i am very excited to have put on some weight!