Heartache

i had one of the worst nights of my life last night…

i have what i suspect is a kidney infection — i’m being treated for a uti, so hopefully the anti.biotics will do the trick. anyways, i cried so much last night that i made my kidneys hurt so bad i contemplated going to the emergency room.

but, as the title of this post suggests, not only did my kidneys hurt like hell, but my heart was broken and still aches…

i’ve mentioned my ladies bible study group before i think, but in short — they’ve been wonderful sources of support for me. i opened up about our struggles right away and i’ve shared all the things i’ve struggled with — baby showers, pregnancy announcements, pregnant women who come across as insensitive…i’ve shared it all — and they’ve always made me feel loved and supported…like, when we do get pregnant… they’ll totally understand exactly what that means for us, and what a blessing it will be!!

last night…

one of the ladies announced that she is 5.5 weeks pregnant*.

now, what i’m about to write may seem selfish…and yes, maybe it is… but it’s how i feel and i’m not proud of it…

not one of the ladies even looked at me, no one took me aside and asked me if i was okay… so…. they don’t get it, like i thought they did.

i didn’t even know they were ttc… it would have been nice to have gotten some kind of heads up… you know? i felt completely blind sided.. like a freight train had hit me.

immediately everyone was talking about sonograms and how much they wanted to be there the whole way, like know all the details, etc…

i got up to use the bathroom before leaving, and had to actively think about anything else to keep from crying right there. luckily i was able to only cry a little wait until i got in the car to drive home.

now – don’t get me wrong…. i am happy for them….but this hurts because it reminds me of what we don’t have, even though we’ve wanted it for almost 3 years… and they just decided a month ago that they were ready to start a family…and bam… pregnant.

BUT….what hurts more, is the realization that these ladies- my only friends in this country besides dh… just do not get it….

i felt/feel so alone… now, i have a great best friend who 100% gets it … not because she’s had the same difficulty, but because she loves me and she actively “went out and got it”. she read up on how to be supportive, she’s just awesome. but – she lives in another country. i have my mom, who is also awesome…but she too lives in that other country. i have great support from twitter ladies… but they too don’t live nearby…

and now…i have to figure out how to “deal with” and “cope with” non-stop pregnancy talk… and then not have my closest friends there to offer their support and prayers… because i can’t very well go to them and ask them to pray for me because i’m having difficulty hearing about a friends pregnancy all the time…or the fact that i feel almost betrayed by my friends… because they’ve been able to “say the right things” and make me feel supported and understood… but this has made it clear that they just don’t understand.

when my previous church friends weren’t there for me when i was having difficulty with family, i ran… i just up and stopped talking to them (and for the record – it wasn’t really their fault)…that’s what i want to do now.

i want to stop going to the bible study… i want to avoid all of them…

seriously, at this point…i don’t even care about getting pregnant anymore…

i     just     want     these      feelings       to        go     away

i want to be able to hear someone announce their pregnancy and know how to react appropriately, how i would react if it weren’t for the past 3 years….

i want to be honest to God excited for other people’s blessings and know how to show/express it….

i want to not feel alienated, alone, and hurt when those closest to me don’t know how to be there for me.

i don’t want to be selfish and expect everyone’s first thought to be about how something will affect me.

and i wish i could take my own advice from my previous blog post… but i don’t know how to tell this wonderful person that her blessing makes my heart ache.

i hate this, i hate myself a little for feeling like this!!

 

*since it is very early…please keep her in your prayers/thoughts…

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10 responses to “Heartache

  1. This comes from a Buddhist perspective, It’s ok to feel that way. Once you honor those feelings, then you can move on. Feeling anger or jealousy is ok – invite whichever feeling in, serve it tea & sit with it.
    Maybe you could write a letter to them & read it out loud in your next meeting? tell them how you feel about their reaction. There are some stories in the bible about wanting a child, Hannah, or like the story of Ruth, sticking with your friends through thin and thick. Maybe this could be a start of a true dialogue. I hope you find peace in all of this.

    • Thank you so much… that is great advice!! I like the idea of inviting the feeling in rather than fighting it and feeling guilty… and I guess it’s easier to deal with it if we’re not trying to push it away or bury it.
      I also love the letter writing idea… I may just do that… if I can bring myself to do it…I’m very non-confrontational.
      Hannah and Ruth are awesome! I will have to read their stories again!
      Thanks again – good luck with everything you’re working through at the moment!!!
      xx

  2. Hey. I feel that way many times also and I also feel shamed about it. All of my friends are pregnant or just had a baby so that is their constant talk now. I can understand how rough it is for you because I know how rough it is for me. The only group I have is my local Resolve group but a lady announced she was pregnant in the middle of our meeting the other night. It seems like we can’t get away from it. I hope the antibiotics work out.

    • Eugh!! I’m sorry Nikki!! You’re right – we can’t get away from it… people are going to get pregnant… I just wish it wasn’t so darn difficult for people to understand and know how to be compassionate and sensitive.
      Thank you – I am already on the mend, so I’m sure I’ll be better soon!!
      xx

  3. I’m so sorry. I too am a Christian and have been in this same position so many times. Christian friends who have seemed to be supportive have somehow forgotten my hurt and grief at times when I’ve needed them the most. I don’t know what to say in terms of them… I’ll never understand the lack of compassion. But I do know we worship a loving God and he weeps when you weep and wants to be your comforter.

    I’ll be praying for you that you would feel God close and that you’d be able to get through this difficult time. I’ll also pray that you have sensitive people around you. And will pray for your friend also.

    Be kind to yourself. Take time to be pampered and know you are not alone xx

  4. I’m so sorry hon 😦
    Listen – I think that in these situations the only way for people to understand is for you to EXPLAIN it to them. It took a while for my non-infertile friends to understand what I was going through, but I really put a lot of effort into making them understand, and they’ve been there for me in amazing ways since. I know the instinct to run away is huge, but I think you should overcome that and SHARE your feelings with them. Tell them it hurts, and tell them why. You’d be surprised what kind of compassion open honesty can bring.
    In my yoga class, there was a day where there were 4 (!) pregnant women there. They kept on talking about babies. It hurt like hell. At the end of the class, my instructor noticed something was wrong. I opened up to him and told him. From that point on he never uttered the word “pregnancy” in my presence. Not because he was walking on eggshells, but because he understood, and his sensitivity made all the difference in the world. Confront it head on. Not only will that open up the possibility of you receiving the comfort that you so deserve, but I think it will also teach them a little bit. And awareness is always a good thing.
    Feel better!
    xoxo

  5. I’m sorry. It’s so hard for people who don’t go through it themselves to ever truly get it, no matter how hard they try. In my own life, I find myself bringing it up often to make sure they really truly understand that the feeling hasn’t faded. Allow yourself to take time off from the group when you want. Don’t seclude yourself but don’t force yourself through your misery either. There’s nothing wrong with the way you feel!

  6. Keep hanging in there. I cannot imagine how you are feeling but I am praying for peace to be with you and that you are comforted by your friends pregnancy rather than angry. Hugs.

  7. Dear angel child, you are still young. You are also always a mother. Just look at the children around you. One day you will change your own babies nappies and breast feed them. Right now you have to look around and love what’s going around. Your friends preggie, your other friends’re happy, be sad but happy too. It’s very hard to be happy when you wanna curl up and die. I have been a mother. It was the happiest time of my life. Now l want to die ‘cos he’s dead. But it was 14 years ago and he lived here for 14. I ask myself (and I asked my sister too) do you think he prefered his 14 years here or is he digging heaven rather? Sorry to divert but just thought l’d drop a line about motherhood. Change nothing just be who you are and things happen when love is around … and prayers … Regards from moo

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