Monthly Archives: September 2011

a fond farewell

i’d like to give you a quick update on the dilemma with my friends. i emailed the PG friend on friday – and just explained that i need some time to sort through my feelings and absorb the fact that she’s PG. i haven’t heard back yet…

i have over the past couple months truly let go of the urgency to get pregnant…i have given it over to God and fully accept that His timing is better than mine.

however, clearly, i am still having trouble with my feelings of bitterness, jealousy, self-pity, and sadness which have been growing over the past three years. like i said before i have clung onto IF and let myself become a victim… i feel sorry for myself, i feel like no one gets it, i feel like this thing has happened to me and i can’t shake it…. i’ve wallowed in it…. let it consume me.

i am done being the victim.

i am ready to change my mindset altogether – i am ready to shake the past 3 years and move on with my life…. i am ready to make the daily choice to be happy for those who are blessed and to no longer get angry about what i do not have, and instead be hopeful for what is to come.

a pregnant belly used to represent what i would one day have…hope for the future…

i’ve let it become a reminder of what i do not have and let myself feel like i deserve it more because i’ve wanted it for so long… when this is not the case. just because i’ve wanted something for SO long, does not mean that i am any more deserving that anyone else.

this journey is going to take lots of time, patience, prayer, and self-control… but i am determined to get me back.

so…. in the hopes of being able to do this for once and for all… i am no longer going to be blogging on this account… and i will be deleting my twitter account….

i am going to let go of IF and take back everything it has taken from me…

i am hoping to “come out of the IF closet” on my “real” blog – because i do believe that these past 3 years have taught me something, and there is a purpose for all of this… so i will continue to try and educate people about the reality of IF and RPL Because i have the utmost respect for each of you whom are struggling through these things… it’s not easy…

i am also SO very thankful for all the friendships i’ve made in the blogosphere and twitterverse… i’ll be forever grateful for the support and encouragement you’ve given me – and i will continue to check in on you via your blogs and email. i pray that each of you is able to find peace and that you each get your happy ending soon!! although i do not believe i deserve it any more than anyone else does- you ladies (with all the prodding, sticking, dates with wandy, adoption red-tape, losses…) certainly do!

and with that, i bid you a very fond farewell.

Heartache

i had one of the worst nights of my life last night…

i have what i suspect is a kidney infection — i’m being treated for a uti, so hopefully the anti.biotics will do the trick. anyways, i cried so much last night that i made my kidneys hurt so bad i contemplated going to the emergency room.

but, as the title of this post suggests, not only did my kidneys hurt like hell, but my heart was broken and still aches…

i’ve mentioned my ladies bible study group before i think, but in short — they’ve been wonderful sources of support for me. i opened up about our struggles right away and i’ve shared all the things i’ve struggled with — baby showers, pregnancy announcements, pregnant women who come across as insensitive…i’ve shared it all — and they’ve always made me feel loved and supported…like, when we do get pregnant… they’ll totally understand exactly what that means for us, and what a blessing it will be!!

last night…

one of the ladies announced that she is 5.5 weeks pregnant*.

now, what i’m about to write may seem selfish…and yes, maybe it is… but it’s how i feel and i’m not proud of it…

not one of the ladies even looked at me, no one took me aside and asked me if i was okay… so…. they don’t get it, like i thought they did.

i didn’t even know they were ttc… it would have been nice to have gotten some kind of heads up… you know? i felt completely blind sided.. like a freight train had hit me.

immediately everyone was talking about sonograms and how much they wanted to be there the whole way, like know all the details, etc…

i got up to use the bathroom before leaving, and had to actively think about anything else to keep from crying right there. luckily i was able to only cry a little wait until i got in the car to drive home.

now – don’t get me wrong…. i am happy for them….but this hurts because it reminds me of what we don’t have, even though we’ve wanted it for almost 3 years… and they just decided a month ago that they were ready to start a family…and bam… pregnant.

BUT….what hurts more, is the realization that these ladies- my only friends in this country besides dh… just do not get it….

i felt/feel so alone… now, i have a great best friend who 100% gets it … not because she’s had the same difficulty, but because she loves me and she actively “went out and got it”. she read up on how to be supportive, she’s just awesome. but – she lives in another country. i have my mom, who is also awesome…but she too lives in that other country. i have great support from twitter ladies… but they too don’t live nearby…

and now…i have to figure out how to “deal with” and “cope with” non-stop pregnancy talk… and then not have my closest friends there to offer their support and prayers… because i can’t very well go to them and ask them to pray for me because i’m having difficulty hearing about a friends pregnancy all the time…or the fact that i feel almost betrayed by my friends… because they’ve been able to “say the right things” and make me feel supported and understood… but this has made it clear that they just don’t understand.

when my previous church friends weren’t there for me when i was having difficulty with family, i ran… i just up and stopped talking to them (and for the record – it wasn’t really their fault)…that’s what i want to do now.

i want to stop going to the bible study… i want to avoid all of them…

seriously, at this point…i don’t even care about getting pregnant anymore…

i     just     want     these      feelings       to        go     away

i want to be able to hear someone announce their pregnancy and know how to react appropriately, how i would react if it weren’t for the past 3 years….

i want to be honest to God excited for other people’s blessings and know how to show/express it….

i want to not feel alienated, alone, and hurt when those closest to me don’t know how to be there for me.

i don’t want to be selfish and expect everyone’s first thought to be about how something will affect me.

and i wish i could take my own advice from my previous blog post… but i don’t know how to tell this wonderful person that her blessing makes my heart ache.

i hate this, i hate myself a little for feeling like this!!

 

*since it is very early…please keep her in your prayers/thoughts…

difficult lessons

[for those who don’t know…my sil read my last post and we have since spoken about everything and sorted everything out]

i don’t often give advice to those who read my blog…but, i’m about to

we are so used to people being ignorant and not understanding what we’re feeling, or going through, that we often dont even take the time to share our experiences honestly and allow them the opportunity to learn and grow from our pain.

if someone in your life says something off hand that hurts your feelings — especially if it is someone you really care about…. rather than brush it off (and heaven forbid… vent about it on twitter and your blog)…. why not try to help the person understand how their comment makes you feel.

you don’t have to do it immediately… especially if you’re too upset to deal with it in a positive manner…

but, don’t just assume that the person doesn’t care, or assume that it would upset them if you spoke to them about what they said.

at the end of the day – you could help someone else better understand infertility…and at the end of the day…isn’t that all we want? for others to just “get it”… (and of course to get pregnant…we want that too)

it’s the one thing i know we are grateful for… with regard to what this journey has given us — perspective, understanding, and compassion. well – we shouldn’t be selfish and we shouldn’t try to make that enlightenment exclusive…we should be trying to spread the knowledge and understanding… to help as many people – fertile, infertile, undecided – “get it” as possible. [i realize that not everyone will accept what we have to say… but we should at least try]

i truly regret being afraid to say anything to my PG SIL about how her comment hurt me. she totally “gets it” now… what i should have done is referred her to this blog, so she could get a real sense of where i am at…and now i know, if she ever says anything that is upsetting, i can 100% go to her and point out how it makes me feel. the lines of communication are now wide open, and i’m so grateful…now i have another person on my side…another person who really gets it and is there for me all the way! (she always was… but now she can be there for me the way i need her to be, because she knows where i’m coming from now, and i know that i can talk to her about it openly and honestly – without hurting her feelings or upsetting her).

people just do not get it

because i have let go (as much as i can) — i have not had a ttc related break down for a few months now…

do not get me wrong — it’s not any easier to deal with the fact that we’ve tried so long without falling pregnant… it’s still not easy to see others fall pregnant with apparent ease…it’s still not easy to hear others gush over their pregnancies when i’ve wanted what they have for almost three years….
it still hurts….
but, i am in a better emotional place… i don’t cry when af arrives anymore… and without all the obsessing… life is better.
the only time i have cried recently with regard to something ttc related was when i felt that someone was insensitive… someone i would expect to be more understanding and sensitive…and she said something that stabbed at the heart of something that has been really difficult for me to let go…my mom coming to visit in the hopes of meeting a grandchild.
as i wrote in the above linked post, the thought that my mom would be coming out and we would not in fact have a grandchild for her to meet… and then knowing that she wouldn’t be able to come out again – when we do in fact have a baby – is gut-wrenching and makes my heart ache. i want to fall to pieces when i think about it.
so – now, instead of my mom coming to visit us next year, we are going to visit her for Christmas. she is going to pay for one flight. my sil and i were talking about it, and she said that although mom offered to pay for their tickets too, she would rather have mom visit them when the baby is born….
now – i know that not everyone understands how i feel about every little thing, and i do not expect everyone to put my feelings first and above theirs. especially pregnant woman – they are going through a very exciting time in their lives and i do not expect them to walk on egg shells around me.
but – at the end of the day… i broke down. it hurt so bad for someone i love to point out that the one thing i wanted more than anything in the world was true for her and not true for me. my mom will be flying out to meet their baby…and unfortunately, us flying out to see her over Christmas is the best its going to get for us right now, because in all likelihood, we will not have a baby for her to meet in the summer of 2012.
i’m not angry anymore, i am still a little hurt… but i understand that my feelings were not hurt on purpose.
and…of course, i am so excited to see not only my mom, but my dad, my step mom, the rest of my family (many who will be visiting from other countries also), and friends!
also – dh told me that no matter what…we will make a plan to have my mom visit when we do have a baby. my mom also said that she would have to make a plan… so it is not entirely impossible to imagine that she will in fact be here when we have a baby. it may not be next summer… but it will be.
i hope, and pray, that letting go will eventually help me to be less sensitive to other’s words and actions. especially when it is obvious that their intentions are not bad. i feel bad for the way i ended my conversation with my sil… but, at the end of the day – i acknowledge that she is happy and excited (as am i, for her), so i think it’s only fair for my feelings to be acknowledged also. it hurt. i’m over it now, but at the time – it really hurt.
there is no instruction manual on how to feel and how to act – for those suffering with infertility and there is no manual for their family and friends either. it’s not easy, for anyone involved.

Letting Go

CD6

i can’t believe i have gone through a whole cycle without blogging… and yes – that also means that i did not get overly obsessed!

now – I have had a lot on mind in the ttc/IF department, so i’m going to do something that Mo would love! i’m going to do a bulleted list of the things i’ve had on my mind.

  • i am coming up to my last year of my degree… which will mean that in about a year from now, i will begin student teaching, for 3 months… without being paid.
  • getting pregnant between now and then would make things quite difficult and complicated… however – we still want to be pregnant sooner, rather than later – we are not going on a ttc break.
  • because the timing wouldn’t be great right now, we are also not looking into going to an RE… we want to be pregnant, but the rush and urgency is no longer there…
  • for right now, we’re going to try and get our bd timing right…also, that way – if we do need to see an RE in the future, we know that we really need to
  • i say this, because i’ve been feeling like i have grabbed a hold of the infertility label without any real “proof” of fertility issues.
  • i still the same frustrations and pain that the women in the IF community feel…however, i have not had any miscarriages (thank God), i do not have a diagnosis (fine – maybe i would have one if i actually went to an RE…but as of now, i don’t), i’ve only recently started tracking my cycle, so who knows whether our timing has been right all these years…
  • i clung to being a victim because it matched my feelings…i felt like a victim of infertility… i was (and still am) angry that so many others were getting pregnant so easily while i have wanted to be pregnant for so long… i became frustrated by all the useless advice i was being given… i felt like we were doing everything right but getting no results
  • phew…that was difficult to admit
okay, so that’s where we are at… we are still trying…but i am no longer obsessing – so much in fact, that i am not drinking the right amount of water daily (before i would feel horribly guilty if i did not drink enough water..thinking it could be a reason for our struggles), i am drinking as much coffee as i like (i still want to give up caffeine again, for general health purposes), i am no long POAS (opk’s or hpt’s), and i constantly forget to take my prenatal multivitamin (again, i used to feel super guilty for forgetting, so much so that i would get out of bed to take it if i realized i had forgotten).
i am still tracking my bbt… and we are trying to time our bding right, so we can figure out if that has been our issue in the past. and, so that if we decide to see an RE, it can be with confidence that we need help…right now, i do not feel that we have given it enough effort on our own.
there it is…
where we are at right now…