trust issues

CD24

9DPO

so, i’m almost through with my 2WW… not feeling as crazy as i usually feel… have no symptoms, phantom or real. but i have had some mild cramping, so i am expecting AF to show her face – hopefully this time she will wait until AFTER the wedding i am attending this weekend (2 months ago she arrived during the reception of a friends wedding). that is – of course- if she has to arrive at all.

 

i feel pretty at peace about this cycle – but i have felt that way in the past, and then when AF arrives – it all goes to hell and i just fall apart as usual. but, i am hoping and praying that this time, the peace is for real and it lasts. i have nothing left to lose – and i’m at the point where all i can do is let go and trust God.

i got a hair cut this afternoon – quite a drastic change…but loving it. i feel like it’s lifted my spirits – like, shedding all my hair has been symbolic of me shedding all the pain and fear of the past year or so… and i am ready for whatever the future holds for us.

don’t get me wrong — i am still a bitter infertile… but i’m feeling a bit more like myself and i feel like i can take on whatever the future holds with a positive attitude.

i read this on someone’s blog or something a few weeks ago -

‘if we can trust God with eternity, then we can trust Him with our now’

i am trying to remember that everyday and learning to let go and trust…

round two goes to….IF

CD3

yup – that’s right… my previous cycle is over – it ended with a BFN.

after getting a BFN on friday morning – i woke up on satureday morning and my temperature had dropped well below my coverline…. which meant impending af.

so – when she arrived very late that night – i was well prepared… (DH was not home all evening, he had a soccer game to go to)

after a day keeping busy with errands and holding back tears, by evening i had drunk most of a bottle wine to myself (and i do not drink often anymore… very very rarely in fact)… and spent the evening avoiding the obvious (did school work, played some kinect – dance central-, started reading a new book, did a page of my scrapbook), except for the moment where i mistakenly chose to reply to an old friend’s email – not only do i miss his friendship a great deal (because he lives across the ocean), but i decided to share a little bit of our struggle with him… after that much wine… not such a good idea. but – it let me face reality for a little bit…

i dont even know where to begin to explain or express how i feel about all of this…

• i realized sometime this weekend that we cannot just keep trying to get pregnant… because i have to student teach for 3 months next year, and there is a bit of a deadline – so i can’t have just given birth right before i’m supposed to start student teaching, and i can also not be 6-9 months pregnant when i start student teaching. not to mention that i can’t be pregnant right after student teaching – who is going to hire a new teacher who is “about to burst forth a baby”?
• so – i’ve figured that we only have 3 more cycles to go before we need to take a years break from TTC.

so there are a few reasons why this absolutely guts me –

• my mother (whom i haven’t seen in 3.5 years because she lives so far away) is planning on coming to visit next year… ideally to meet a new baby, but also just to visit – while she is financially able to. This will be, in all likelihood, the last time she’ll be able to come out… and the thought of her coming out, and us not having a baby for her to meet is so upsetting it breaks my heart a little more each time I think about it. (and yes, it hurts and makes me sad that she will be meeting a different grandchild when she visits my bro & SIL before coming here)
• a year off doesn’t sound so bad, and i’ve often thought about taking a break – because this is so emotionally draining… however, by the time we will start trying again, i will 26.5 years old and best case scenario… 27 when i have our first baby (yes – i know, that’s not old)… and although that does not really mean anything – it does mean that we have lost 5 years – when we could already have two children… i do not want to have children after i am 35 years old…and i want 3-4 children (with my family being so far away, and DH’s family being so bizarre – we want our immediate family to be big enough to support one another and get a good sense of what family means).
• maybe i am being too greedy – i should just worry about having one healthy baby, and not be so concerned with how many children i want by a certain age… but – when you start to realize that your dreams are in jeopardy of not coming true – that’s a difficult pill to swallow.

i am trying to let go…

i really am.

i want to be satisfied to wait and fully trust God to fulfill my dreams and the desires of my heart… but at the moment i can’t help but feel sad, jealous, angry, frustrated, alone, like i need to hold it together and pretend to be okay for everyone else.

i dont think that wanting a baby is a selfish thing to want… it’s not self-serving, it’s not greedy, it has nothing to do with pride… why is it then that i fear that this is something i need to let go of because God is trying to teach me an important lesson about trust? i do believe that His timing is perfect, and He knows more than i do about what is best for me… but, we are also called to ask for what we want… and to do so with the belief and understanding that it will be given..i think finding that balance is what is causing me so much conflict…

this cycle is the last clomid cylce i will be doing before going to an RE – but we wanted to wait until september before going to an RE, and I guess now we’ll just wait until next year… if we’re not PG before then.

my clomid dosage is doubling…which scares me, because i had so much cramping this past cycle – and knowing that the dose is double, leads me to believe it will be worse – along with the hot flashes, mood swings, fatigue, etc…

needless to say – i do not have much hope left…i’m hoping to be able to find it after posting this – there is a lot that i’m struggling with right now and i’m trying to not suffocate under it all…

i promise that i will move on soon… and find some things to be happy about and thankful for (i am thankful for a lot of things, and have been praying about them daily). i promise not to dwell on all the “what ifs” that i’ve mentioned in this post… i promise to deal with this, and find my footing again.

one step at a time

the couple that i have blogged about here and here had their baby…

now – i am not a bad person (i do not believe so anyway), and i try not speak badly of others (slander, etc) but … for the purpose of my sanity (and to maybe give fertile people some insight into how those struggling feel, etc) i am going to share what that day was like for me…

i am not sure if i am the only one who does this – but, even though i knew it was going to be difficult for me – i constantly checked facebook to see updates of the birth of this baby…

i do not like to be upset by it all … i do not want to feel sorry for myself … then why do i do it? i had previously blocked updates from this couple, to spare the heartache… but then i was in a good place, and unblocked them…

perhaps, this curiosity stemmed from the need to know that everything went well (i was praying for her)…

whatever the reason – i was checking facebook…

however – i got a lot more than i bargained for… she updated during labor to share how dilated she was, and an image of the baby was posted on facebook for the world to see within minutes of her birth….

am i the only one who thinks this is INSANE? i’m not going to go into what i think exactly, because i really don’t like to “put people down” … but… really?

anyways…

last night i checked facebook – to see a pic that ‘the dad’ put on facebook of the baby’s footprints… i realized that he has a daughter… and (for the second time that day actually) i felt the tears coming…

i left the room – to “do some school work” have a good cry… (i didn’t want dh to see me) and remembered that i hadn’t done an opk yet…so i poas and went to my office to set up my laptop to do school work convince dh that i was just going to do some work… when he went to the bathroom…

when he came out, he had a grin on his face… i asked him if there was a smiley face… and he said yes- i didn’t believe him… but…..

yes!!! it was positive!!! I was BEYOND excited… (i got a little glimpse into what it might feel like to get a bfp preg. test)… i even took a photo… yes… of a positive ovulation test…. (please don’t judge me)…

so.. not only did i ovulate… but dh and i did a great job of sticking to the bd-schedule this week!!

even if we don’t get our bfp this cycle…

• af arrived on her own
• af arrived on CD28 – well, it was CD1 of course…but you know what i mean
• i ovulated!!!

next step – fertilization and implantation…. but – either way, i praise God for these small (actually kinda big) victories!!

and so…my two week wait begins!! (the first one where i am sure the opk was +, bec it was digital…so, i feel like it’s my first real 2ww!!)

p.s.: i have also been trying to put on weight… i am 5′ 4″ and weighed 110lbs…. slightly underweight… so i’ve been drinking a shake everyday to help me gain some weight, and i’ve been trying to eat more,etc… this is not the first time i’ve tried to put on weight, and i’ve never had any luck… but – i weighed myself this evening… 116lbs! woohoo!! apparently – you need body fat to produce estrogen.. so it’s important to have a little body fat in order to conceive… so- i am very excited to have put on some weight!

>It’s okay to falter…right?

>I am having a bad day – I have the worst PMS… which of course means that AF is on her lovely way….

I have also started reading too many IF blogs… so many people move on to IUI or IVF after a short time of TTC…. we’ve been TTC for 2 years now and I don’t want to get tested…I don’t want a needle placed in me to inject dye into my lady parts…I know my DH doesn’t want to have to go and have “special alone time” with a cup in a doctors office….

Our God is the maker of heaven and earth – He performs miracles every day! I know that if there is something wrong…if it is His will that we get pregnant…. we will get pregnant! He can overcome any medical obstacle! None of those test results will change that! God can do anything!

I truly believe that…. but, sometimes I wonder if I’m just afraid… am I in denial?
More than anything I want a baby…I want to have lots of kids, and I want to start young… my mom was a young mom and I see the relationship she has with my older brothers… I want that!! It’s something special when you’re only 28-30 years older than your first born.

However, I also know that my plans and dreams and hopes mean nothing…. God’s will in my life is what matters. If it’s God’s will that I only have a baby when I’m 32 years old…then that’s what is important. (Gosh that is scary and painful to think about.)

It’s not easy to give up your life, your hopes, and dreams to surrender to God’s will in your life. But, I don’t think it’s meant to be easy.

I suppose the important thing to do, is to draw nearer to God and quietly wait to hear His will and direction for my life. If it’s His will that I go and get tested… and pursue other options…then so be it….If it’s His will that I trust in Him, and wait for His time…then so be it….

I pray that I can remain strong and constantly seek Him out and grow closer to Him, so I can live according to His will.

>Another disappointing month

>Period cramps and symptoms are uncomfortable annoyances. But for those TTC, they are constant reminders of an empty womb.

This month had it’s ups and downs, as most months. It was the first month that we tried ovulation tests… (as I mentioned in my previous post). It was also the first month in a while that DH and I tried to up the baby dancing to every other day… which was supposed to make our chances of conceiving higher – along with the ovulation tests. But, it became a way for me to try and control an uncontrollable situation – the tiny thread of hope that I clung to with my life! Not good.

I lost it a few times… but, after ovulating late I was overcome with this sense of peace and acceptance. I’ve even been able to listen to songs that I usually avoid like the plague… one in particular that I have never been able to listen to without balling my eyes out – Matthew West’s ‘Safe and Sound’ you can hear it here. I have been so strong… and not by force or anything, just a calm sense of peace and acceptance. Even so, AF rears her ugly head and I want to curl up into a ball and just weep.

It’s such a cruel thing – AF brings with it emotions that we can’t always control, and when you’re TTC, these uncontrollable emotions do not help with the coping.

I have accepted that God’s timing is perfect, and one day I will look back at this time, with my baby in my arms (or toddler…bec it may take a while) and realize that my unanswered prayers were a gift and part of a bigger, better plan… (Garth Brook’s song helped me to truly understand that… you can hear it here).

However, I still feel sad and disappointed. Especially when I know that The Couple are moving along in their pregnancy and will, understandably, continue to share their excitement… and when I see our two years TTC anniversary coming up… and when I think back to last Christmas and how we said that we would have a baby to share this Christmas with…

Anyways… that’s what our month has been like… onto the next one I suppose!
I’m praying for that strength and peace to overcome me once again…

>Learning to wait..

>Our angel, whom we have yet to “receive” and already love so much,

It has been a difficult journey learning to trust God and wait for you. However, your dad and I have grown so much through this trial! Grown as people, grown in Christ, and grown as a couple. I feel like our relationship has been renewed! It’s an awesome place to be, and we are fully aware that God’s plan is perfect and his timing is too. I believe we needed to go through this to grow the way that we have and become the people we are today, so that we are better prepared to be parents and raise a child in God.

Our patience, or should I say MY patience was tested a little bit this past week. We have been attending a particular church for over three years now, and in the past year this church received a new pastor. Through the new pastor (although we loved the old one) and through the fellowship of the young adults and a young couple in particular we have grown so much in faith and have rededicated our lives to Christ and are starting to make the changes necessary to truly live in Him. Well, a number of months ago the pastor asked us and this other young couple whether we were planning on having children, and we said that we have been trying, and they said that they want children, just not quite yet.
Well, this past week that couple shared the news that they are expecting their little angel. It was just such a shock that sent me into a bit of a downward spiral. I was having all these horrible feelings and emotions that I knew were wrong, but couldn’t control. I prayed continuously for God to help me be happy for them (although I know that I was… but that happiness was buried deep below feelings of jealousy, bitterness, anger, sadness, fear…) and trust in His plan for my life and not compare my journey with this wonderful Godly woman’s.

I spoke with my pastor’s wife and she prayed with me too and helped me to not feel alone. I am normally strong in my faith that God will bless us when it’s His time – the right time, yet every now and then there is a bit of a bump, that causes me to doubt my resilience and my faith a little. However, I feel that I am better prepared for the rest of the journey and I’m excited for it; because I know God will bless us with you!

Your loving, and patient, mom.
xx