i’d like to give you a quick update on the dilemma with my friends. i emailed the PG friend on friday – and just explained that i need some time to sort through my feelings and absorb the fact that she’s PG. i haven’t heard back yet…
i have over the past couple months truly let go of the urgency to get pregnant…i have given it over to God and fully accept that His timing is better than mine.
however, clearly, i am still having trouble with my feelings of bitterness, jealousy, self-pity, and sadness which have been growing over the past three years. like i said before i have clung onto IF and let myself become a victim… i feel sorry for myself, i feel like no one gets it, i feel like this thing has happened to me and i can’t shake it…. i’ve wallowed in it…. let it consume me.
i am done being the victim.
i am ready to change my mindset altogether – i am ready to shake the past 3 years and move on with my life…. i am ready to make the daily choice to be happy for those who are blessed and to no longer get angry about what i do not have, and instead be hopeful for what is to come.
a pregnant belly used to represent what i would one day have…hope for the future…
i’ve let it become a reminder of what i do not have and let myself feel like i deserve it more because i’ve wanted it for so long… when this is not the case. just because i’ve wanted something for SO long, does not mean that i am any more deserving that anyone else.
this journey is going to take lots of time, patience, prayer, and self-control… but i am determined to get me back.
so…. in the hopes of being able to do this for once and for all… i am no longer going to be blogging on this account… and i will be deleting my twitter account….
i am going to let go of IF and take back everything it has taken from me…
i am hoping to “come out of the IF closet” on my “real” blog – because i do believe that these past 3 years have taught me something, and there is a purpose for all of this… so i will continue to try and educate people about the reality of IF and RPL Because i have the utmost respect for each of you whom are struggling through these things… it’s not easy…
i am also SO very thankful for all the friendships i’ve made in the blogosphere and twitterverse… i’ll be forever grateful for the support and encouragement you’ve given me – and i will continue to check in on you via your blogs and email. i pray that each of you is able to find peace and that you each get your happy ending soon!! although i do not believe i deserve it any more than anyone else does- you ladies (with all the prodding, sticking, dates with wandy, adoption red-tape, losses…) certainly do!
and with that, i bid you a very fond farewell.
Sherrie
