people just do not get it

because i have let go (as much as i can) – i have not had a ttc related break down for a few months now…

do not get me wrong — it’s not any easier to deal with the fact that we’ve tried so long without falling pregnant… it’s still not easy to see others fall pregnant with apparent ease…it’s still not easy to hear others gush over their pregnancies when i’ve wanted what they have for almost three years….

it still hurts….

but, i am in a better emotional place… i don’t cry when af arrives anymore… and without all the obsessing… life is better.

the only time i have cried recently with regard to something ttc related was when i felt that someone was insensitive… someone i would expect to be more understanding and sensitive…and she said something that stabbed at the heart of something that has been really difficult for me to let go…my mom coming to visit in the hopes of meeting a grandchild.

as i wrote in the above linked post, the thought that my mom would be coming out and we would not in fact have a grandchild for her to meet… and then knowing that she wouldn’t be able to come out again – when we do in fact have a baby – is gut-wrenching and makes my heart ache. i want to fall to pieces when i think about it.

so – now, instead of my mom coming to visit us next year, we are going to visit her for Christmas. she is going to pay for one flight. my sil and i were talking about it, and she said that although mom offered to pay for their tickets too, she would rather have mom visit them when the baby is born….

now – i know that not everyone understands how i feel about every little thing, and i do not expect everyone to put my feelings first and above theirs. especially pregnant woman – they are going through a very exciting time in their lives and i do not expect them to walk on egg shells around me.

but – at the end of the day… i broke down. it hurt so bad for someone i love to point out that the one thing i wanted more than anything in the world was true for her and not true for me. my mom will be flying out to meet their baby…and unfortunately, us flying out to see her over Christmas is the best its going to get for us right now, because in all likelihood, we will not have a baby for her to meet in the summer of 2012.

i’m not angry anymore, i am still a little hurt… but i understand that my feelings were not hurt on purpose.

and…of course, i am so excited to see not only my mom, but my dad, my step mom, the rest of my family (many who will be visiting from other countries also), and friends!

also – dh told me that no matter what…we will make a plan to have my mom visit when we do have a baby. my mom also said that she would have to make a plan… so it is not entirely impossible to imagine that she will in fact be here when we have a baby. it may not be next summer… but it will be.

i hope, and pray, that letting go will eventually help me to be less sensitive to other’s words and actions. especially when it is obvious that their intentions are not bad. i feel bad for the way i ended my conversation with my sil… but, at the end of the day – i acknowledge that she is happy and excited (as am i, for her), so i think it’s only fair for my feelings to be acknowledged also. it hurt. i’m over it now, but at the time – it really hurt.

there is no instruction manual on how to feel and how to act – for those suffering with infertility and there is no manual for their family and friends either. it’s not easy, for anyone involved.

Letting Go

CD6

i can’t believe i have gone through a whole cycle without blogging… and yes – that also means that i did not get overly obsessed!

now – I have had a lot on mind in the ttc/IF department, so i’m going to do something that Mo would love! i’m going to do a bulleted list of the things i’ve had on my mind.

• i am coming up to my last year of my degree… which will mean that in about a year from now, i will begin student teaching, for 3 months… without being paid.
• getting pregnant between now and then would make things quite difficult and complicated… however – we still want to be pregnant sooner, rather than later – we are not going on a ttc break.
• because the timing wouldn’t be great right now, we are also not looking into going to an RE… we want to be pregnant, but the rush and urgency is no longer there…
• for right now, we’re going to try and get our bd timing right…also, that way – if we do need to see an RE in the future, we know that we really need to
• i say this, because i’ve been feeling like i have grabbed a hold of the infertility label without any real “proof” of fertility issues.
• i still the same frustrations and pain that the women in the IF community feel…however, i have not had any miscarriages (thank God), i do not have a diagnosis (fine – maybe i would have one if i actually went to an RE…but as of now, i don’t), i’ve only recently started tracking my cycle, so who knows whether our timing has been right all these years…
• i clung to being a victim because it matched my feelings…i felt like a victim of infertility… i was (and still am) angry that so many others were getting pregnant so easily while i have wanted to be pregnant for so long… i became frustrated by all the useless advice i was being given… i felt like we were doing everything right but getting no results
• phew…that was difficult to admit

okay, so that’s where we are at… we are still trying…but i am no longer obsessing – so much in fact, that i am not drinking the right amount of water daily (before i would feel horribly guilty if i did not drink enough water..thinking it could be a reason for our struggles), i am drinking as much coffee as i like (i still want to give up caffeine again, for general health purposes), i am no long POAS (opk’s or hpt’s), and i constantly forget to take my prenatal multivitamin (again, i used to feel super guilty for forgetting, so much so that i would get out of bed to take it if i realized i had forgotten).

i am still tracking my bbt… and we are trying to time our bding right, so we can figure out if that has been our issue in the past. and, so that if we decide to see an RE, it can be with confidence that we need help…right now, i do not feel that we have given it enough effort on our own.

there it is…

where we are at right now…